It’s here again, the post that makes all of us a bit uneasy. I’m through apologizing for this annual offering, so let’s just put the cards on the table and let ’em fall where they may.
Here are the top five most talented players on this year’s UD women’s soccer team. With just one holdover from last season’s edition, the list is chuck full of fresh, precocious selections. As usual, the list is devoid of any semblance of diversity or common decency. Enjoy.
#5 Colleen Williams, Senior, F
Williams is from New Jersey, so she gets bonus points for not posing with a tampon string coming out of the bottom of her shorts while scarfing down a meatball sub from Wawa.
Not that it matters, but Williams is supposedly a very good soccer player. Nominated for a slew of awards. But, that’s not what’s important here. What’s essential is that she is a taut 21 year-old who kinda looks like a young Skyler from Breaking Bad. I guess you could have her call you “Walter” during the throes of passion, completely up to you.
#4 Nicole Henderson, Freshman, MF/D
The lone freshman on the list is Nicole Henderson from Mill Valley, CA. Anytime a California girl is listed on UD’s roster your ears have to perk up a bit. When you hear a girl is from the best coast, just assume she is hot and that her 55 year-old father owns a vaporizer. Life lesson, you’re welcome.
I don’t think this picture necessarily does Henderson justice, but just trust that I did my due diligence and that her slot on the list is well deserved. Is that a pun? You’ll never know. (slot is a euphemism for the female genitalia, pick up a fucking book once in awhile)
#3 Alysha Mallon, Senior, D
The only four-time Sexploitation finalist, Mallon’s consistency is something to be admired, even cherished. She refused to let herself go, electing to keep it tight for all four of her years on campus. When future generations speak of Mallon’s legacy, and they will, they will likely highlight her yeoman’s approach to keeping a consistent look throughout her career. Mallon was the Derek Jeter of the UD women’s soccer team the past four seasons — nothing overwhelming, but someone you could always count on to produce. In short, a BR Sexploitation Hall of Famer.
Alysha’s major is Electronic Media, so she will be looking for a couch to crash on upon graduation. Gentlemen, start your engines.
#2 Allison Klinefelter, Sophomore, D
Klinefelter was a glaring omission from last season’s list, which proves the science behind the Sexploitation selection process has not reached a level of infallibility I’m comfortable with.
The picture captures her essence: blond hair, a clearly unabashed patriotic spirit, great teeth and an uncanny ability to fake enthusiasm at the drop of a hat. What more could one ask for? Klinefelter is obviously a fan of subconscious inference, as the number eleven seems designed to attract attention, by pointing upwards, towards her face as if to say, “Hey, check out how hot I am.” We see you, Allison.
#1 Haley Keller, Sophomore, MF
Keller made an unprecedented move — she went from not even making the list the prior season to topping it just a year later. Keller is almost too good-looking to pass for a Dayton soccer player, or a UD co-ed for that matter, which is basically the highest compliment we can pay to any member of the Sexploitation squad.
A: High cheekbones, blonde hair and a headband.
Q: What’s an automatic boner builder?
She is probably the only girl on this list I would let sleep over (on the couch because I need my space). Quite possibly the hottest woman to don a UD women’s soccer jersey over the past four years. I’d say more but it would trigger a response from the authorities. Just know that the Haley Kellers of the world don’t come around that often — UD must celebrate her.
Tom Blackburn is a proud U. o' D. alum. He loses faith in humanity one day at a time, but not in you, you seem like you are all kinds of alright. Charter member of the T-Man fanclub.