2012 is coming to a close and we here at the Blackburn Review are shutting down shop for a week to celebrate the Christmas holidays with our families, girlfriends, and favorite strippers/prostitutes. Since the Flyers so kindly also took the week off, we figured we’d throw in a filler post. And not just any filler, the filler of all fillers.
A few weeks ago, Matt and I were talking about how Ohio ruled/sucked. I came up with a question for him. “If we did a fantasy draft of all states, where would Ohio fall in terms of awesomeness/usefulness?” I maintained that Ohio would probably fall somewhere in the 15-25 range while Matt was much more of a homer in his claims, stating that Ohio is “easily a top 10 pick.”
So we had to put this to the test. We recruited Blackburn, Adam, and Rosceaux to participate in this pathetic excuse of a draft and decided to leave it up to you, the readers, to decide whose “team” would win in this USA Draft. What resulted was Matt getting made fun of, Don and Adam sticking to their Midwestern values, Blackburn not giving two shits about it, and Rosceaux offending pretty much every culture/ethnicity. See if you can count the amount of times the other four take a shot at Blackburn. I think I count at least 8. So if you dare, continue to read on and gawk at what surely will be the worst post you’ll read all year.
Matt – 1.) Ohio: I know this is going to cause some kind of freakout (mostly from Blackburn), but there are plenty of valid reasons. Ohio, as we have seen from recent presidential elections, is considered the best cross-section of America’s melting pot. We have plenty of inner city intellectual types, while also having enough outdoorsy, live off the land, manly men to keep us safe from invading hoards. 7th most populous, so not too crowded. Plenty of colleges and universities (some of them are even good schools). Nice doses of all 4 seasons (and a few extra). Pro sports teams in every league, and two teams each in the two most popular sports. We’ve produced many great athletes, including two who might be considered the greatest ever in their sport. 7 US Presidents (2nd most). A decent, and improving, economy. Most major automobile manufacturers have plants here, as do Proctor & Gamble, Campbells, and Marathon’s HQ. McComb is home to the second largest bakery in the country, making all manners of cookie and cracker. In the end, Ohio may not be the best at any one thing, but it is near the top of the class in just about everything that matters.
Adam – 2.) California: Did Ohio just seriously go #1? Even Tim Couch thinks that’s a bust. I feel like I have been gifted Adrian Peterson or something. California may be a bankrupt Communist haven that will one day sink into the Pacific, but it’s going to party while still above water. Scenic beaches? Check. The best golf courses? Check. Great food? Check. You think the American dream is the nine-to-five job, wife and two kids, white picket fence life? Shit no! The American dream is driving a Corvette down the PCH with a half-Asian chick from Huntington Beach at your side. The greatest American industry of them all, porn, lives in California. Vegas is the perfect distance away. Surfing, hiking, skiing, and other outdoor activities white people enjoy? California has them all. You have the Lakers, Dodgers, baseball Giants, and Angels. When it comes to football, California gets it right…stay home and watch it on TV at 9am with a plate of pancakes. Last but not least, the Golden State has given America our most important treasure of them all, the quintessential American TV program, “Laguna Beach.” (Team LC 4 life).
Rosceaux – 3.) New Jersey: Tactically, it probably seems like a bad move, with the threats of NY and Pa. coordinating a pincer action. But NY and PA can’t coordinate shit. Both states are really run by Jersey commuters. NYC is made up of the unwashed immigrants who never made it through Ellis Island, the jay -e- double -you – esses, and a bunch of effete lawyers who prepped in Georgia. Philly is made of people who couldn’t make it in NYC. I would have the ability to command both the Delaware and Hudson rivers, and divert all international shipping to the ports of Newark, Elizabeth, and Camden. I can’t spit without hitting an oil refinery around here. Best pizza in the nation. Need something underhanded to get done? Yeah… I know a guy who knows a guy. Rumor has it that Jimmie Hoffa is buried in the governor’s gunt. And when the real shit goes down, I’m grabbing a shotgun and my wives and heading down to the Pine Barrens in a Ford 150.
Donoher – 4.) New York: Is New York really still on the board at #4? It may not have much else other than NYC, but that is all that matters. The best city on earth, the financial capital of the free world, and sorry Rosceaux, but the best pizza. Love em or hate, mostly hate em, but the Yankees are the most famous sports team. Madison Garden is the most famous arena. I’ll even say that Niagara Falls is sneaky fun. Call it the romantic in me, but that place kicks ass. Plus there is a gambling in nearby Connecticut. You want seasons Matt? NY has them all, including Peek n Peak and Holiday Valley for skiing, which I love. Some might say it should get minor points for being the current home of one Thomas Blackburn, Esq but where else is he supposed to scope out Asian tail? Seriously, I can’t believe this was left at #4.
Blackburn – 5.) Colorado and 6.) South Carolina: For the record, Ohio went #1 and New Jersey was taken ahead of New York. This draft has the legitimacy of a wet t-shirt contest. Anyway, Colorado has mountains and rivers, legal weed and skiing. Pretty sure you get all four seasons, if you are into that, and the air smells like Christmas trees year round. Colorado never gets incredibly hot or obscenely cold. You can wear North Face fleece all day, every day, even to funerals (especially to funerals). The state usually comes in near the bottom as far as this nation’s obesity rate is concerned, so no fatties. Lastly, Colorado has a pretty sweet flag, that has to count for something.
South Carolina has great food, nice beaches, really good weather and exceptional golf. With a low standard of living, it’s like a trip back to the 1950’s. It’s a state where 65 year-old men walk around dressed in the latest fratty attire, totally adorable. Charleston is one of the best cities in all of the land. The state is full of plantation-style homes, which will remind you that being white was pretty awesome at one point, no matter what MSNBC tells you.
Donoher – 7.) Texas: Great weather, great food, great southern women who are amazing in bed, and everything is big there which means me and my dong will fit in nicely. Football is king and Austin is the a great college city with an incredible music scene. Texas is so awesome, Mexico wanted it. And if Mexico wants you, you’ve made it. If the whole Middle East thing doesn’t work out, we can use the oilfields of the Lone Star State to get us through our dependency on the black gold…for a year or so.
Rosceaux – 8.) Alaska: Just a FYI, but loving NYC for the Yankees and MSG is like masturbating to Mila Kunis because she has nice elbows. I was hoping that this would slip to round three, but I’ll pull the trigger on Alaska. Alaska’s oil makes Texas’s oil seem like pre-cum. I’ll drill and drill and drill. Grab me a piece of tail from Sarah P (I’ve seen her porno’s, she really is a maverick). Those crab boat guys would be my security. Alaska has everything except dentists (apparently). Plus, I’ve done some ice climbing and mountaineering, so I got that going for me.
Adam – 9.) Hawaii: It’s paradise. Tropical weather, beaches, great golf, and tremendous views. The basketball fan in me would love to see the Maui Invite every year. Every bar is filled with cool old dudes telling stories and attractive women who will be gone by next Tuesday. When I get to live my dream and have my story told on “I (Almost) Got Away With It,” it will end with me being knocked unconscious by Beth the Bounty Hunter’s left boob.
Matt – 10.) Florida and 11.) Tennessee: Did I miss an email here, or did the guy who isn’t sure we should legalize weed just skirt over the fact that he drafted the first state to legalize weed? I also didn’t realize we were drafting vacation spots. Since that is the way it’s going, and I don’t want my states stuck vacationing in Maine, I’ll take Florida. Lots of beaches, spring training baseball, Disney World (at $87 a day for adults), Daytona, I can exile LeBron… Plus I like the insanity of having both Ohio and Florida.
The Volunteer state has Memphis BBQ, Nashville music, and I get southern girls without being too far south (if you know what I mean).
Adam – 12.) Georgia: I’ve had a lot of fun picking awesome vacation states, but now it’s time for a much-needed dose of real ‘Merica. I’m spiking my football in Georgia. Atlanta is home to soul food, about a million rappers, and the SEC National Championship game. Athens is almost a unanimous top 3 college town, filled with pretty southern belles, indie music, and Georgia football. Every April the world looks at the Masters with such reverence. The azaleas, the racism…golf as Old Tom Morris himself envisioned.
Rosceaux – 13.) Alabama: Sorry, Adam. You’ve come up a few yards short as the clock expires. I’m gonna take Alabama. In addition to the obvious SEC advantages, they go a little Spartan and dispose of every young girl who won’t grow up to be a hot blonde. Best state theme song by Lynyrd Skynyrd, access to the Gulf, and I hear that the capital city of Montgomery is so nice that people used to march all the way there from Selma. Plus, its one of the few states where I can walk around in my bare feet drinking from a can of beer and still be elected governor.
Donoher – 14.) Nevada: So I have the states where I can make my money with Fortune 500 companies in NY and Texas, I have the states where I can hang out with rich and powerful people in NY and Texas, and now I have a state where I can waste all of my money, while hanging out with rich and powerful people. Sorry Blackburn, but I am taking Nevada off the board. Las Vegas…where the dreamers dream and the hobos gleam. Is there a better fantasy land in the world? I don’t think so. You all can keep your riverboat gambling/Indian casinos/shitty Atlantic City. I’ll take America’s Playland. Bonus points for having, Reno which allowed us to have Reno 911. Prostitution is legal so I know I will always be able to get laid, despite my ugly appearance. Nellis Air Force base will protect me from Blackburn and when he and his hippies from Colorado try to invade my state for more weed.
Blackburn – 15.) Arizona and 16.) Maryland: No New York, Nevada, or Georgia left — I am the Matt Millen of this draft. ‘Zona has good climate, cheap housing (especially in illegal alien neighborhoods) and lots of blonde women. You commit a murder and have to get out of Dodge ASAP, never to see your family again? Arizona is here for you, with the easiest access to Mexico this side of…Mexico. Seriously, I’m pretty sure the Arizona/Mexico border is protected by spider webs (It’s also home to Yuma, Archie Miller’s namesake).
Maryland has really tasty crab cakes and with the nation’s highest median income — plenty of rich white people (try driving through Bethesda or Chevy Chase in a Hyundai and see what happens). A finer mix does not exist. You are an easy drive from DC, Baltimore and Philadelphia, Although I would burn Baltimore down to the ground and open up the world’s biggest IKEA, just to get some Asians to visit the state. The coastline is chock full of nice beaches and old fishermen who will tell you stories about the time they raped and pillaged a summer-house in Annapolis.
Donoher – 17.) Wisconsin: Beer, cheese, beer cheese soup, cheese curds, cheeseburgers, etc. The possibilities are endless. Throw in Madison being a great college town with the best Halloween party (sorry Athens, Ohio) and Milwaukee with the best summer music festival (sorry Manchester, Tennessee) and you have a great choice. Blackburn’s wife is also from Wisconsin and the pictures he sent me of her passed out naked will be locked in my spank bank for eons to cum. See what I did there? Pathetic teenage humor.
Rosceaux – 18.) North Carolina: Love West Piedmont barbeque, Raleigh, and Charlotte. I’ll change the uniforms of UNC and Duke to read “Whiners” in all black for UNC, and “Pussies” in hot pink for Duke. I’ll feel much better then. Plus that is where Archie met Mrs. Archie, so I’m guessing there is some fantastic pole dancing down there.
Adam – 19.) Washington: Sure it may rain a lot, but it never gets too hot or too cold. The Seahawks, Mariners, and UW are the kind of teams you can follow without feeling like a dick. The scenery is top-notch, the food is good, and the best musicians have the decency to “retire” before their songs end up in commercials.
Matt – 20.) Massachusetts and 21.) Oregon: You know, I have another friend named Adam that always seems to steal my sleepers in fantasy football drafts. I was going to take Washington here. Seattle seems like a place I would like. So now I’m gonna have to go with Massachusetts. I’m Irish and a Red Sox fan. They probably have good sea food too. I don’t care though, Fenway!
The hippie state of Oregon has some nice microbreweries, quality wilderness, lots of hippies for my other states to make fun of, but most importantly, Nike money. Phil Knight will be the president of my union.
Adam – 22.) Illinois: I am in dire need of some middle American values. Chicago is a fine city with great music, arts, and organized crime. The local cuisine is built on cured meats and pizza designed to fill an Escalade rim. The Bulls and Bears are perfectly acceptable sports teams, and you can laugh at the Cubs from right down the street! The rest of the state is nothing but Applebee’s franchises and Insurance companies, but Chicago is worth picking on its own.
Rosceaux – 23.) Virginia: Just trying to grab some prime property that isn’t landlocked an/or full of people who identify with Larry the Cable Guy. Monticello seems like a cool hang. Apparently the serving staff down there really knows how to please the master of the house.
Donoher – 24.) Utah: It’s clean, it has skiing, and the Mormons keep it peaceful there by not allowing certain individuals in the state. Some might say the whole “No drinking, no dancing, no black people allowed” thing might cause you to hate the state but not me. I’ll watch some awesome indie movies at Sundance, do some skiing, and then saddle on over to Nevada to go to bed. Plus if I do get shot or injured, I’ll bathe in the Great Salt Lake to heal me. I would assume salt water heals gunshot wounds, right?
Blackburn – 25.) Maine and 26.) Louisiana: The Bushes vacation in Maine, so it can’t be that bad. LL Bean’s flagship store is up there, so I got the lesbian economy locked up. I’m almost positive that fish are the state’s leading money-maker AND currency. About 90% of Maine has yet to be explored, so who knows what’s out there — could be gold, Bigfoots or guys who still think we are fighting the Revolutionary War. Maine is a land of mystery and questionable career choices.
The Pelican State has food I’ve never even heard of and doesn’t seem to have any laws written on the books. Or books. The fine citizens of Louisiana speak a different dialect and believe that there’s still a place for overalls in your wardrobe. Home of Thee Daddy Derenbecker.
Donoher – 27.) Vermont: Maple syrup, cheddar cheese, Ben and Jerry’s, Phish concerts, one of the healthier states, and insufferable pricks from Middlebury. And Super Troopers.
Rosceaux – 28.) Connecticut: Home of rich Protestant girls with translucent skin, Yale, and the first girl to blow me. I also hear there are a couple of openings in the education field, so job prospects look promising.
Adam – 29.) Minnesota: Highly educated, non-threatening residents, and it’s the home of the best damn coed hockey of all time, the Mighty Ducks.
Matt – 30.) Missouri and 31.) Wyoming: I am going to take a decent value here. St. Louis, what I think is the good part of Kansas City, solid barbecue, good baseball cities. Solid but not spectacular.
Wyoming has Yellowstone, Grand Tetons, Devils Tower, rodeo capital of the world, and most importantly, it has the smallest population. That means I can do whatever the fuck I want in Wyoming. Suck it, Ted Turner.
Adam – 32.) Indiana: Burt Macklin, FBI. Duke Silver Trio.
Rosceaux – 33.) Pennsylvania: It’s like Ohio, except closer to civilization. Pittsburgh continues to be ranked as one of the top 3 “most livable cities,” and they’re not even factoring in O-fries or Primanti’s. You guys can keep both sides of the Dayton to Daytona equation, I’d rather party with the Amish during rumspringa. No greater sense of sexual conquest than removing Miss Rebecca’s bonnet in the back of a horse-drawn buggy.
Donoher – 34.) Michigan: I can’t believe I am going to do this, because I promised I myself I wouldn’t touch it. Sure I can annex Ann Arbor to Canada and finally put an end to Detroit’s misery, but that still doesn’t make me feel any better with this pick. I will say that I spent every summer of my childhood in Michigan and had a great time. Lakes everywhere, golf courses everywhere, cherry festivals everywhere, and Tim Allen pimping out the purity of Indian casinos. Again, voters please be aware that Ann Arbor is not part of this deal.
Blackburn – 35.) New Hampshire and 36.) Rhode Island: New Hampshire doesn’t have any sales tax or state income tax. The Granite State has the adage “Live Free or Die” on its license plates, which is the best state motto by a mile. Has anyone ever actually met someone from New Hampshire? I’m not even sure it exists.
I’m almost positive I dated the only Asian girl to ever call Rhode Island home. The state where 80’s bands go to die, literally. Good Italian food.
Donoher – 37.) Nebraska: Omaha steaks and corn. That’s really it. And maybe I could make Election 2?
Rosceaux – 38.) Idaho: I can’t believe no fans of the Gem City Cagers took the Gem State of Idaho. Sawtooth Mountains and little else.
Adam – 39.) Delaware: We are out if useful states. Delaware is at least society-adjacent.
Matt – 40.) Kentucky and 41.) Kansas: The Bluegrass State is a good basketball state, the best moonshine in the world, and the Cincy airport (the fuck?!). At this point, just being able to come up with positives is enough.
For the last state I get a choice in picking, I’ll take Kansas. Again, good basketball state, I get to complete the set with the other half of Kansas City, and I’m pretty sure Superman lives there.
Adam – 42.) Iowa: It has all the corn.
Rosceaux – 43.) New Mexico: Although it is a mixed blessing. I did receive my doctorate in pediatric nuclear medicine there, which is a plus. On the downside, I once received a summons for having a penis that was too large and pleasingly nimble for the populace of Albuquerque.
Donoher – 44.) Oklahoma: Boomer Sooner football can make me cry a little more after a tornado destroyed my trailer.
Blackburn – 45.) Montana and 46.) South Dakota: Montana is a huge hunk of land, and when the shit goes down this is where you are going to want to be. Trust me.
I know absolutely nothing about South Dakota except that it is the home of Mount Rushmore and lots of American Indians. Is it weird that so many Injuns live under the shadow of a ginormous rock with American imperialists carved into the side of it?
Donoher – 47.) Arkansas: The Ozarks, the Clintons, Hillbillies, BIELEMA SMASH!!!
Rosceaux – 48.) North Dakota: This completes my set of states with “North” in their names. Can sell as a complete collection on eBay
Adam – 49.) West Virginia: This is exactly like Sophie’s Choice. Which worthless, life draining shit hole do I keep? Gimme West Virginia. Burning couches is a lot more festive than crosses.
Matt – 50.) Mississippi: Fuck you, guys.