Another year, another season of Don and Matt (and guests!!!) boring the shit out of you. Not sure if anyone listened to the podcast we did last week (probably not since it sucked and was buried on the site), but we are planning on writing a Five for Flying every other week and doing a podcast every other week. This, of course, is wishful thinking, as we will probably get bored, run out of topics, get busy (Donny Donoher, Jr. will be here before we know it!) or this site will finally switch over to the soft-core porno site we all crave. Anyway, it’s time to get our shit together. Read ahead for a super fun time!
Don: So the Flyers went 2-0 in the exhibition season for the 100th straight year. I cannot confirm this but I would imagine it’s true. Although, I think I remember Athletes in Action beating the Flyers back in the early 90’s all while giving a sermon for the halftime entertainment. Seriously, remember that shit? They would give a sermon at halftime! Anyway, I think the one thing we can take away from this exhibition season is that this team will be deep and it can shoot free-throws. Once Devon Scott gets out of the dog house, and starts paying child support, he should move into the rotation with ease. Sibert and Sanford will lead the team in scoring and Devin Oliver could potentially average a double-double. Blackburn brought up a point, how many minutes a game will the Big Frog see once Jalen Robinson is at full strength?
Matt: I didn’t see a second of the Findlay scrimmage because I had to do good boyfriend things. From my understanding, this turned out to be one of the best gifts my girlfriend has ever given me. Games that are free-throw shooting contests make me want to have a child, just so I have something to shake. As far as Big Frog goes, I think the less we see of him this year, the better the season will go. Even with Robinson out, I would hope he doesn’t average more than 7 or 8 minutes a game, preferably less. I would rather see a serious small-ball lineup with Oliver at the 5 than the Frog in there for 10 minutes a night. The depth with certainly be nice though, as we clearly need to provide some protection for Devon Scott.
Tom: I completely missed the Findlay game as well, relying on Twitter updates from Adam throughout the night. I agree that this is a deep team, but it is also fairly young (which is something I have found myself saying at the beginning of the past three seasons, oddly). Scoochie figures to play a major role, as does Jordan Sibert. Although Sibert has performed exceptionally during the two exhibition games, it’s his first time playing a major role on a team since his high-school days — there may be some growing pains once the competition heats up. Scott and Robinson showed glimpses last season, which hopefully means a reduced role for the Big Frog. Gorilladick has been beset by injuries and random bouts of illness, I’d expect more of the same from him this year.
Don: Halloween week is over. Faithful readers on the Twitter have mentioned that Halloween seemingly goes on and on and on and on and…well, you get the point. We talked about the best candy in the podcast, let’s talk about best female costumes. How do I make this extremely creepy and uncomfortable for everyone? And the odds of Blackburn saying something about Asians? 100%? My top 3 are the following:
- School girl: It’s funny that I find this so damn sexy despite not really caring about it too much in high school. Was it because I saw it everyday and it was just a normal thing? Was it because the girls weren’t hot? Was it because I am secretly gay? Probably all 3 of those things. But yeah, now? This is my #1 boner-filler.
- Sexy Disney character: It’s overplayed. It’s inappropriate. It’s amazing. I mean, we all know that Snow White wore thigh high stockings and a garter belt while going down on the seven dwarfs, right?
- Sexy girl scout: My love of cookies plus my love of short skirts all in one? Yes, please. Seriously, thank you God I am having a boy.
Matt: Ummm…Anyone else creeped out by Don basically telling us what his sexual fantasies are? Especially since they all involve girls dressed up as kids or childhood characters? Yikes. Let’s do this quickly:
- Slutty Anything: Bonus points for super heroes, Princess Leia, or wearing a jersey.
- Naughty Anything: School girls are fine, as long as they are 18 years of age (winking at you, NSA)
- Dirty Anything: Trust me when I tell you, nothing beats Dirty Don Donoher.
Tom: OK, this is all pretty simple:
- Any outfit which accentuates/exposes the ass.
- Any outfit which accentuates/exposes the breasts.
- French maid — combines one and two.
Don: For our weekly music category, Blackburn thought it would be fun to talk about bands that should have been bigger but for whatever reason weren’t. Matt and I joked that Blackburn’s bands will be things he made up by looking around the office. “Have you heard ‘The Post-It Notes’ new album? I compare it to ‘The Black Guy in the Mail Room’s’ last album.” It gives me a fun excuse to link this. My new favorite band and album? Tosa Province’s “The rest is still unwritten.”
Anyway, this is a very hard topic for me because my favorite band, the Dave Matthews Band, is one of the more popular bands around. I see two bands every year, DMB and Jimmy Buffett. Basically, I am a white suburbanite. The point I am trying to make (very badly, mind you) is that DMB and Buffett play in front of 20,000-25,000 people every night. I saw the Killers this past summer here in Columbus and they were playing in front of 6,000 people. It just seemed really odd to me because the Killers, in my mind, are a VERY popular band. Can they not play in front of more than 6,000 people? Am I just spoiled by the DMBs, Buffetts, and Phish’s of the world? I guess I am. If I had to pick a band that should be more famous, I guess I’ll go with Fitz and the Tantrums. I feel like they are probably already popular, but right now they are at the top of my playlist.
Tom: I’m shocked you are into Fitz and the Tantrums, they are like a neo-soul band and you are Honky McCracker. I could have picked a hundred bands to list here, but I’ll just go with four. First and foremost is Superdrag, a band out of Knoxville that had a small radio hit back in the mid-90’s. They continually cranked out fantastic albums until around 2005 when they kinda fell off the map. I saw them in Athens, GA around that time and they played to a crowd of basically me and ten other people. I literally had a running conversation with the lead singer during the show, it was depressing.
Next is Bloc Party. I can’t think of a band that had a greater slide in quality between their first two albums than this band. Their first record, in my mind, was a classic. The next was an absolute unlistenable bore. I bought their next couple of albums but never actually got around to listening to them because that’s what unrepentant fan-boys do (I do the same thing for Liz Phair because Exile in Guyville was so good, I feel like I somehow owe her continued business in perpetuity even though her music has become juvenile and bordering on embarrassing).
The other two are Dayton’s own Guided by Voices and the Magic Numbers, an English quartet composed of people who look like werewolves. GBV is actually a semi-popular band with a cult following, but I don’t think they ever reached the level of success they deserved. When people ask me to recommend a CD or two, I simply tell them that GBV’s library is too fucking expansive, just take my word that they melted faces. Also, they played live shows with a cooler of beer on stage, so that’s got to count for something. The Magic Numbers are the type of band I am almost embarrassed to like. Comprised of two duos of brothers and sisters, they are very lo-fi and ultra-harmonic, the kind of music that would instantly appeal to soccer moms. It is seriously the least objectionable music ever recorded, made for people to have sex to while a rerun of Sabrina the Teenage Witch airs on a TV in the background.
And Nada Surf. Nada Surf should have been huge.
Matt: Ugh. I knew Blackburn wanted to elbow in here to talk about a bunch of bands I’ve never heard a second of. Well, that’s a bit of a lie, I actually do love Fitz and think they are a good answer for this question. I’m not really a “music” guy, so I’m not going to pretend I know some amazing band you’ve never heard of (I do, but they all play country/bluegrass, and you guys don’t care about that). The two bands I would like to name, though, are ones that played shows at the bar I used to work at. The first is Ballyhoo!, from Aberdeen, Maryland. A four piece band with guitar, bass, drums, and a DJ. Sound in the range of Sublime, 311, Pepper. The music is easy to listen to and you’d be hard pressed to find someone who listens to it and actively dislikes them.
The second band I want to mention is called Hey Monea. They’re from North Canton, and are three of the craziest and most genuinely good guys you will ever meet. Dan, the lead singer, guitar player, and pianist, is one of the greatest musicians I have ever seen in my life. He plays guitar like it’s a part of his body. And he will drink/smoke enough to take down several large Germans then go on stage and put on an incredible show, never missing a note. It’s something you should see in person once in your life. Both of these bands just recently released their 3rd albums, but Hey Monea’s 1st album was released under the name Hooked On Tonics. I highly recommend checking their albums out, and both bands play awesome live shows that you can get into for probably less than 10 bucks.
Also, Bloodhound Gang made a lot of legitimately good music, and their Pandora station is probably the best.
Don: So Mrs. Donoher and I started watching Wanderlust last night and it got me to thinking…wow, David Wain sucks. The guy is living off of Wet Hot American Summer. “The State” got him started and Wet Hot put him on the map, but Role Models sucked and so far Wanderlust is not that good. Guys, what other directors/writers are living off that one (or two) “hits” and keep cranking out movies that get shittier and shittier each time. I know M. Night Shyamalan will probably be mentioned. Tim Burton HAS to be up there too, right?
Matt: Tim Burton was the first guy that jumped to my mind. His IMDB page reads like a list of dogshit that people try to tell you is great because they think it makes them seem deep and unique. It doesn’t and they aren’t. Edward Scissorhands is garbage and his Batman movies are a little overrated. The guy that I chose though, oh man does he suck. Brian De Palma has made two good movies in his career: The Untouchables and Carrie. That’s it. Scarface fucking sucks. If it wasn’t for MTV Cribs, and every white suburbanite kid wanting to be a rapper (and the rappers wanting to be kingpins), that movie would be considered dumb 80’s schlock. Grow up, people. Yet, De Palma has been turning out movies every 2-3 years since the late 60’s. Granted none of them are tragically bad, in a Uwe Boll way. They’re all just boring, derivative time wasters. Yet, his name still holds critical water. Makes no sense, because the dude is the movie directing equivalent of Dontrelle Willis.
Tom: I’m going with Luc Besson. Although early on he made a few movies starring hot women who inexplicably became trained assassins, Besson’s real breakout was The Professional, a crime drama that launched Natalie Portman’s career. After The Professional, he went on to write/direct an offensive string of shlubs: The Fifth Element, The Transporter series and the comically bad Taken movies. He shifted from making character-driven dramas to movies that were designed to appeal to people with above ground swimming pools. However, his real crime against humanity was selling the rights to Taxi — a movie that was later adapted, starring Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon. Never trust a Frenchman to do anything other than make crepes.
Don: This week’s hot or not: I can’t believe we haven’t discussed her yet, Kim Kardashian. I am going to go “Not Hot” on this one. Maybe because Kortney is hotter? Maybe because I hate Kanye? Maybe because I am not an ass guy? I just never got the hype for her. Again, as stated with all of our hot or nots, I would definitely fuck her. But I just don’t see me marrying her (like I’d have a chance). If she was involved in a Fuck, Marry, Kill, I would probably Kill her 90% of the time. Thoughts?
Tom: This is a ridiculous waste of our time. Sure, the Kim Kardashian you see on television is an insipid twat who essentially sprung her career by self-producing a fuck tape, however it is a scientific fact, supported by quantified data, that she is hot. No one would hate her if she was ugly. Her ass will be a mess in a few years, like two big garbage bags full of corn, but she is easily in the top 1% of the hottest people on the planet as of this writing. (Sidenote: Is it really spelled Kortney?)
Matt: So Don is into ladies dressed like kids, but think Kim isn’t hot? Yikes. Pretty surprised Don picked Kim instead of Kendall…Oh crap, she just turned 18, so that explains it. Of course Kim is hot. Not as much as before she had a kid got turned out by two of the more unlikable people in our culture, but still. She is grade A. Kourtney is definitely not hotter. Like Tom said, though: Kim has about two-and-a-half years before she starts looking like a three-week-old sack of meatball subs.