Nothing jump-starts our bloggin’ season quite like the release of the Women’s Soccer Sexploitation Issue. It has absolutely nothing to do with basketball and yet it is one of the most popular posts each year, which should probably tell us something.
So much intrigue headed into this season’s edition. Can Haley Keller 3-peat? Are there any freshmen (freshwomen?) ready to make a splash? Why do we do this each year?
For an answer to some of those questions, I asked Donoher to assist with the analysis.
D: Nice dimples, good smile.
T: Her last name is Golterman. Very Germanic.
D: She does look like what Hitler had in mind.
T: Exactly, perfect breeding specimen. She’s from St. Louis, so you know she is a classy baseball fan.
D: Midwestern gal.
T: They’re all Midwestern, Donny.
D: Let’s end the discussion by saying this…Michael Sam wouldn’t have dated her.
T: But if he was pretending, this is the type of girl you date to assert your masculinity.
D: OK…what’s this chick’s bio. age, posish, hometown?
T: This is Courtney Klosterman. Sophomore, 5’10”. Galena, Ohio. Defender.
D: A tall drink of water. A defender. She is the enforcer of the group, for sure.
T: She looks kind of shy to me. Doesn’t go to the bathroom without turning on the sink first.
D: Those are the types that sneak up on you in bed though.
T: Like she won’t even say a word when you are switching her drink.
D: Like, use their vibrator on you.
T: Don’t bring your personal sexual peccadilloes into this
D: I can’t help it.
T: Anything else?
D: Is 5’10” tall? I feel like that is tall.
T: Definitely tall. You know how men lie to make themselves taller? Do tall chicks lie to make themselves shorter?
D: Totally agree. I bet this chick is 6’1″.
D: Size 15 shoe.
T: She has to kinda crouch during every picture she takes, I wanna hold her and say it’s not her fault.
D: She’s like Shaq, needs special shoes.
T: She has a nice nose, noses are key. And her teeth are remarkable. This is the girl Russell Wilson should marry.
D: I have no idea where Galena is, so I’m sure she’s a swell girl. She likes to eat cheese mixed with ranch dressing while playing cornhole.
T: OK, this is Kelsey Smigel.
D: First thought — “Is that Amanda Bynes from She’s The Man?” She’s very Bynes-ian.
T: She’s been on the cusp of making the list for years, finally cracks it this year. I really like the name Kelsey though.
D: I like her a lot. Kelsey is a top 10 “there are no ugly girls named this” name. Same with Allison, I’ve never met an ugly Allison. Even Allison Janney was probably hot at one time.
T: Agreed. Throw in Morgan. There are no ugly Morgans walking around. I think this chick has a sister, maybe a twin? I didn’t do much research this year. Wait, her coach says she has a “great motor.” So there’s that.
D: Oh, wow. That has to be something she tells dudes at Tim’s.
T: “My motor never stops.”
D: “I have a great motor. you can stick it annnnn….yyyyyy….where.”
T: This chick just seems like fun. Like if you ask her to punch you as hard as she can in the face, she totally will.
D: A twin though? That’s nice. What if her twin’s name was Morgan?
T: If it’s not, it should be.
D: She does look like the girl that would beat you in a game of flip cup but then let you beat her in a game of “who can cum first.”
T: I love that game, I always win.
D: I’m undefeated.
T: This is a legit smokeshow. Nicole Waters, Canada, Junior.
D: Holy dimple! And look at her rocking the bling in her ears. She gives n0 fucks. She knows she’s hot.
T: This girl is either a complete bitch or the sweetest lady in all of the land.
D: I wonder why she goes by Nicole though. You gotta go by Nikki. She’s from Canada, no WAY she is a bitch.
T: Two great points. Nikki is edgier. She is too nice to be a Nikki.
D: Nicole is for when she goes out in the real world and tries to get a job at Enterprise Rental Car.
T: This is the one girl on the team I could see myself actually walking up to and asking for change.
D: Nikki is a girl that will drink some Molson XXX with you, she’s the Robyn Shiboski of UD.
T: She reminds me of Alison Brie somehow? Are you seeing that?
D: Eh….I can’t put my finger on who she reminds me of…
T: Is there any chance this girl doesn’t look fantastic naked?
D: ZERO. I would even ask her and she’ll probably show me because she is Canadian and it would be rude not to.
T: How is she not #1, I don’t know.
T: Haley Keller,THREE TIME SEXPLOITATION CHAMPION!!!! She’s from Indiana. So she’s an Indiana girl on them Indiana nights. Whatever the fuck that means.
D: Man, will we ever see another 3-peat winner? No way, she is a legend.
T: It doesn’t seem likely. She is Alabama football How she didn’t make the list her freshman year will always haunt me. It consumes me. I can’t find a single thing wrong with this lady. I want to hack her phone.
D: This is going to blow your mind. She is Mike Miller’s illegitimate daughter, right?
T: The bballer?
T: I don’t see that at all
D: Are you crazy? It’s so there.
T: Whatevs. She has the perfect amount of freckles. She’s “sunkissed,” not frecktacular.
D: Ha, she isn’t a ginger.
T: No one is making that accusation. Haley Keller is the girl that the public will clamor for each year, but I’m not sure UD can deliver. She is the Sexploitation star we need and want, but definitely don’t deserve.
That’s her dad, brah.
T: You gotta drop this.
D: Never! But alas, she is hot. Let’s get her interviewed.
T: We really should. She is the G.O.A.T.
D: No way she leaves UD without thanking us.
T: It would be unseemly if she did. Closing thoughts?
D: Without being too mean, these are very handsome ladies, who are very good at soccer. They are Oxford 3’s, but Dayton 10’s. Cheers to them.
T: You’re the worst.
D: I really am.
T: You are telling me Keller and Waters aren’t hot for Miami? C’mon, son.
D: We gotta hunt down Nicole, she is going to be #1 next year, no doubt.
T: Hunt is such an unfortunate word choice in this case. When the preseason mag comes out, Nicole Waters will be ranked #1. It’s a certainty.