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It’s a week until Jesus’ birthday. That means you have less than a week to finish up your Christmas shopping. We here at the BR are notoriously terrible at procrastinating with shopping for the holidays. Have you ever been shopping on Christmas Eve? It is nothing but divorced dads trying to find that one gift that will make their kids love them again/old people doing their daily walk because no one loves them. Then there is nothing left in the stores. Moral of the story? Shop early so you can make sure that your shipped gifts that you are getting us will get here before Tuesday. And now another terrible edition of Five for Flying.

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Platosprotege151.) Don: In the time since our last correspondence, the Flyers went out and did what we expected them to do which is to beat up on an inferior opponent. Florida Atlantic was no match for the Flyboys. That’s right, I just went Swampy Meadows on you. I didn’t get a chance to watch the game as it of course was not on TV here in Columbus but mainly because I was getting hammered on Great Lakes Christmas Ale (more on that later). However, I read Blackburn’s recap, talked to Adam, and talked to my dad about the game. All three said the same thing. Who is this Matt Derenbecker guy and why isn’t he playing more? OK, only one person said that and I am sure you can guess who said that. It was great to see him put up 15 points and do what we have expected of him all year and that is to be a good guy off the bench to get us some points. I don’t want to get too ahead of myself here because it IS Dayton basketball and they break my heart all the time, but I REALLY like this team. They are deep, they are rebounding (that is key to A-10 play), and Archie seems to have them motivated. It should be really interesting to see how they play against USC and Murray State in these next few weeks.

Matt: Forgive me if I don’t soil myself over a good performance in a home game against FAU. The Flyers came out and did what we expected them to do, aside from the previously mention Matty Ice’D (no?? ok). While it is nice to see the freshmen coming along more every game, and the team starting to create some open looks from long range, we have been down this road before. We know to temper the excitement. Hopefully this was a nice building block game, and we will see Derenbecker contritbute positive minutes going forward, and the team will remain a cohesive unit. Still, it was FAU.

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jerry-seinfeld2.) Don: TV Matt…it’s what you and I do best. I texted you the other day when I said a certain Seinfeld episode was on and it was a top 5 episode for me and you scoffed at that notion. I say we talk about our top 3 episodes because it’s a great show and Blackburn saw someone on the subway wearing an urban sombrero. Here are my top 3:

  1. Soup Nazi. The best episode and its most famous episode. It catapulted Seinfeld to not only the heights of TV ratings but also into pop culture lore. It even catapulted the Soup Nazi into a Scrubs episode.
  2. The Serenity Now. I think Frank Costanza is possibly the most underrated character in the show and he CRUSHES it in this episode. One of my all time favorite lines in the series is when he is telling George about seeing a movie about computers. “I watched a movie on TV about it last night. With that girl. From the bus.” That and Kramer talking about Anytown, USA. Perfection.
  3. The Marine Biologist. I almost went with the Kenny Rogers Roasters here but decided on the episode where George is at his best. George came up with a lot of lies throughout the series but when he becomes that marine biologist, it’s great. If you don’t like this episode, I will get angry. Like an old man trying to return soup at a deli.

Matt: I hate you Donoher. I really do. I would spend less time deciding if I should pull the plug on my grandmother than it has taken me to figure out which 3 Seinfeld episodes I think are the best. I instantly had 3 I thought I would pick, but then about 20 other legendary episodes flooded into my brain. Here are my 3, which I will immediately want to change after we post this:

  1. The Contest. It’s easy to forget now how big of a deal this episode was when it aired. Not a lot of blatant masturbation humor on TV at the time. Every scene with George and his mom in the hospital was gold. The Virgin stealing JFK Jr from Elaine. Everything about this episode is unbelievably funny. This is the television episode we put in a time capsule to represent our generation.
  2. The Soup Nazi. Took a Borat-ish turn for a while, where the idiots started to ruin it for me. It has been so long ago now that it seems to have left the mainstream consciousness and returned to its former glory. This is also the episode that featured the Schmoopie gag, which was always a favorite of mine. The gay guys stealing the armoire from Kramer always kills me too. And try not to eat Jambalaya without pronouncing it the same way Newman does in the end. I know I can’t.
  3. The Puffy Shirt. George the hand model. The Low Talker. An appearance by Mr. Ernst. “Can you spare a little change for an old buccaneer?”

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3.) Don: With the possibility of Dayton moving to a new league, it makes me wonder. What will the new league be called? I think we both can agree that the term “Catholic” will not be included, no? I would love for it to be like my high school league, the Greater Catholic League. Rules are that half your team must be white, you must play Hoosiers style of basketball, you must win, and most of all everyone must hate your guts. Maybe go all “Dodgeball” on us and be called the “We’re better than you, and we know it” Conference? Maybe something like the Private 10? Sound douchey enough?

Matt: My list of names, presented without comment: The Pope John Naismith The X, The Blessed Union, The Ten Stations of the Cross, StigmaTen, The Holy Decemvirate, The Hard Ten (gambling humor to make the boss happy).

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1551-34.) Don: We talked about the best Christmas movies last week. Let’s talk about the worst ones this week. Mine in no particular order are:

  1. Christmas with the Kranks. I love John Grisham but this is a turd of a book and an even more turd of a movie. Jamie Lee Curtis is at her hermaphroditiest and even funny men Dan Aykroyd and Tim Allen can’t save it.
  2. Four Christmases. Is Reese Witherspoon hot? I think she is sometimes but man, it’s hard to like her in this movie. And Vince Vaughn…good God man, what are you doing? Remember Swingers, Rudy, Made, Old School, Wedding Crashers? He couldn’t do worse than this…
  3. Fred Claus. Oh yes he can. I couldn’t even finish this movie because it was so bad. I have nothing else to say. Does Vince even have kids? Why is he doing these movies?
  4. Surviving Christmas. This is so bad that I would rather watch Gigli. Or Jersey Girl. Affleck the director: Good. Affleck the actor: Bad.
  5. Any made for TV movie on the Hallmark Channel. Unfortunately, my wife and my parents love this crap. I need a lot of alcohol to get through this shit.

Matt: I’ve only seen one off the movies you listed. I hate Christmas. The one you listed that I have seen is Four Christmases. That movie is bad. And too long. Never good for a movie to be bad and long. I watched 5 minutes of Fred Claus. When the brother from The Break Up showed up all CGI’d midgety, I turned it off. Let’s hit a few more while we are here.

  1. Jingle All The Way. Sweet sassy molassy this is bad. Sinbad is a terrorist in this movie. Phil Hartman is an uber creep. Nobody seems to notice Arnold is an Austrian Body Builder. The Big Show, Jim Belushi, and, I think, Verne Troyer all appear in the same scene. God this movie is a hot pile of garbage. And as far as we know, Sinbad doesn’t even have a kid.
  2. Prancer. I remember a lot of people loving this movie. I watched it when I was about 8 and thought it was crap. Haven’t watched it since. Seems to have disappeared. Probably for the better.
  3. Reindeer Games. Ben Affleck acting in a non-Kevin Smith or GVS movie. That’s all I need to say.
  4. I’ve run out of movies. Apparently, there is a movie that exists called Santa With Muscles. It stars Hulk Hogan. I am sure that would make the list. If there is a movie you think I missed, well, you are probably right. I hate Christmas.

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5.) Don: Which leads us to the last part of this column. How do you get through Christmas without alcohol? I for one can only stand to be around my family and coworkers for so long until I have to have some spirits in me. This past weekend, I got so drunk off of Christmas Ale, I think I was literally pissing out Cleveland trash. Can we agree that Christmas Ale is only good because it’s sold for a month out of the year? It’s good and all, but it would be nothing if it was available year round. Much like Yuengling before it was sold in Ohio, or that hot married friend of yours, you always want what you can’t have. And don’t get me started on eggnog. It’s gross and I will fight you if you say you like it.

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Matt: Let me start by saying that I really think you are just trying to piss me off. Christmas Ale is so incredible it makes my loins tingle. I would absolutely drink it year round if it was available. If you put cinnamon and sugar on the rim, you should be punched in the face. Stuff like that, or fruit in the beer, is for when you are drinking a crappy beer that tastes like gutter swill. That is not Christmas Ale. I ate at the new Irish Pub in Bowling Green the other night, and ordered a Christmas Ale pint and it came to the table with that shit on the glass. The waitress never even asked me. I’m sure she was a whore. I also am a big Yuengling fan. It’s probably the only regular domestic beer I drink. It is definitely the only one i can stand to drink to the point of inebriation. Eggnog is disgusting. People who drink it are the same kind that watch parades and crap instead of football on Thanksgiving. I hate those people.

We don’t drink at my family holidays. Issues there. Plus, I come from families where divorce is a birth rite, and they all live in separate towns from myself and each other. Couple that with my girlfriend’s family Christmas and there is a lot of driving involved in our holidays. With that said, if I didn’t look like a weirdo wearing a camel-back to Christmas, I would fill that bitch with Jameson and have a very Merry Irish Christmas.