Recon: North Avenue Trade School

Greetings, I hope this missive finds you well. By the time you read this, I will be on a plane headed to San Juan with no intentions of ever returning to the mainland. I figure it's about time I break free from this workaday world and put my undergraduate degree in bartending to good use. However, before I continue my life's journey, there is Flyer basketball afoot.

Is there any need to remind you that we are on the cusp of what could be a defining journey for your Flyers? I didn't think so. My mom used to sneak in hallucinogenic mushrooms into my spaghetti sauce when I was a child, so I find it is easier on my constitution if I look at things from a simple point of view. The most straightforward manner in which to consider anything in life is by utilizing the "Rule of Three." For instance, you are born (one), you live (two), and you die (three). Think about your day. You wake up (one), you go to work/school/commit a hate crime (two), and then you go to sleep (three).

This is exactly the mindset I want you low brows to employ when considering the direction of the regular season:

Step 1: Come back from Puerto Rico with at least a 3-1 overall record. Certainly a two-win combination including a win against Georgia Tech would be preferable over a defeat at the hands of the Jackets and victories against some lesser regarded foes. A win against Tech gives UD a chance at Villanova, which would be a no lose situation. A loss to Tech puts pressure on Dayton to win two games against teams it will be expected to beat.

Step 2: Go undefeated at home against non-conference opposition. This is something the Flyers pulled off last year and should be able to accomplish again this season. Outside of Old Dominion, and maybe Boston University, there aren't too many landmines in the schedule for UD to step on. Beating every non-conference opponent at home would help offset a potential loss at the Pit on New Year's Day.

Step 3: Win at least 11 games in Atlantic 10 play, including one against Xavier. If UD accomplishes steps one and two, they can afford a few slip-ups against the better conference teams (Xavier, Richmond, La Salle). Win around a dozen games and they are sitting pretty come March.  Which isn't to say that the Flyers will have a high seed, accomplishing the aforementioned goals would merely put their tournament hopes at better than average.A gay man and his trident are rarely separated

Trust me, the last time I was this confident I played Russian Roulette with a homeless Vietnam vet. Guess who is still standing and who ended up at the bottom of a sewage ditch?

Regla de tres II. Let's continue to think about things in simple terms. Let's say you have two guys in the swamplands of Louisiana. Both men sit around all day drinking PBR tallboys and arguing over who can "gig" the most bullfrogs. One man, let's call him Mr. Dayton, doesn't have a lot of experience with this particular activity. He belongs to a frog-gigging club, but it isn't that serious or respected by its peers. The other gentlemen, who goes by the name of Mr. Tech, belongs to one of the most prestigious frog-gigging clubs in the country and has plenty of practice gigging frogs. In fact, Mr. Tech made it all the way to the Frog Gigging Championship back in 2004, losing to one of the better frog-giggers in recent memory, Dr. UConn.

To kill these frogs, each man will use a standard issue trident. A trident, of course, is a three-pronged spear commonly featured in mythical imagery. Each of these prongs have a name. Mr. Dayton's prongs are labeled Wright, M. Johnson and C. Johnson. Mr. Tech's? Why, they are named Lawal, Shumpert and Favors. These prongs will work in conjunction to kill as many frogs as possible. Sure, each man has some backup tridents with lesser prongs, but these two tridents will essentially determine which man gigs the most frogs. The man who kills the most frogs meets up with Mr. Villanova the next day to do it all over again.

By the way, I have it on good authority that Brian Gregory will repeat this story verbatim on Thursday morning to motivate the troops. We are beyond screwed.

What the hey? Many people were surprised to see Georgia Tech, coming off a 12-19 record, debut in the top 25 this season. I call these people fools, and I speak of them in derogatory terms when they are out of earshot. Tech had a total of 10 games against the RPI top 50, and lost a ton of close games last season (going 1-3 in overtime games). The return of Gani Lawal and Iman Shumpert, coupled with the arrival of Derrick Favors and an impressive freshman class, suggest that there is more than enough evidence that Tech will be one of the better teams in the nation this season. Andy Katz is on record saying that Tech has the most talent from top to bottom than any other team in the ACC. Andy Katz is many things--a cheater, a terribly vicious drunk, and a man built for sex. But, he is not, I repeat is not, a liar.

Besides, why look a gift horse in the mouth? Tech being ranked is nothing but positive if you are a Phyler Phan (I'm copywriting that, don't even think of touching it). You want some more butter on your muffin? Of course you do, you're a disgusting animal. How about this, Georgia Tech is the only team in the ACC that will play North Carolina and Duke twice. Do you smell major RPI and SOS points, because I do. A win over Tech could pay huge dividends come Selection Sunday. By the way, this is what you call "dropping knowledge."

Lawal: Messing with Chris Wright's moneyLawal > Favors. I'm getting the impression that some observers expected Derrick Favors to arrive on campus and dominate from day one. As Lee Corso would say, "you better shut your pretty mouth before I stuff it full of tubesteak." (Remember, Lee had a stroke a few months ago) Tech has some depth and experience, and although Favors is obviously a basketball virtuoso in the making, he's got dues to pay. This is Gani Lawal's team until further notice. Favors may not be the second, or even third, option during Thursday's game. Tech has proven scorers in Lawal and Iman Shumpert. Throw in Zach Peacock and a slew of freshman, and it's plain to see that Tech has many options on offense. I expect that Tech will slowly get Favors more involved as the season goes along, but until then Lawal is the face of the program.

I'll be interested to see how many times Kountry Chris and Lawal are matched up on the floor. Their games are so similar that it is hard not to compare the two. What makes the potential clash even more compelling is the fact that both men will likely declare for the NBA at the end of this year and are likely to play the same position on the next level. Unless something miraculous happens, Lawal is virtually guaranteed to be selected before Wright. Which means that Lawal is basically taking money right out of Chris' pocket. Lawal might as well be sleeping with Wright's mother and accidentally leaving recordings of their sexual conquests in Chris' DVD player. That's how personal this thing could get. 

Fresh fish. You hayseeds already know about Derrick Favors. He is long, strong, definitely down to get some friction on.  What if I told you that there were at least three other freshmen who were likely to see significant time and make an impact on tomorrow's game? Would that interest you? Well...tough shit, I'm going to talk about them anyway.

Guard Mfon Udofia, who I am going to assume is a white guy, will get some work at the point guard slot. Udofia is like a taller London Warren. He is fast on both ends of the floor and plays the type of defense that would be considered dry sex off the court. 

Glen Rice, Jr., a 6'5" forward,  is probably the cousin of Santino Rice from Project Runway. Please don't quote me on that. The one thing I can say about Rice is that he isn't afraid to shoot the rock. Glen got off eight shots in thirteen minutes against FAMU over the weekend. I bet his high "basketball IQ" will be mentioned at some point during each Jacket telecast this season.

Brian Oliver is a 6'6" wingman with some range. Oliver is definitely one guy Dayton cannot sleep on around the perimeter, as he went 4-for-6 from behind the arc in Tech's opening game. I feel sorry for Oliver because I guarantee people assume he is the son of former Georgia Tech great, Brian Oliver. People must assume that he is that Brian Oliver, Jr. When he tells them that there is no relation, he probably gets looks of befuddlement and distrust. It's has to be hard to remain grounded when everyone around you thinks you're fucking with them.

Tech's gatekeeperSecond fiddle. Iman Shumpert is someone that could hurt the Flyers, hurt em' bad. Shumpert is a 6'5" sophomore guard who poses major problems for UD's defense. Shumpert's freshman numbers will get lead to an engorging, so make sure no one is around before you continue. Ready? How does 11, 5, and 4 sound? That was his freshman year, mind you. In a little league called the Atlantic Coast Conference. Simply put, Shumpert can do a little bit of everything. He can play the wing or he can shift over to the point. The former McDonald's All-American will be followed around by Marcus Johnson wherever he goes. Shumpert's true value is that he doesn't have to score to hurt you. I watched a bunch of Tech games last year, and each time came away with a different impression of him. He can hit the big shot, get the big steal, or make the key pass. Just watch, you'll see.

Georgia Tech hates America. Remember that kid you sat next to in English 101? He smelled like rhinoceros balls and used to eat sardines wrapped in seaweed? Well, he's got nothing on Syed Haris Ahmed. Yep, good ole' Syed was a terrorist, and a Tech student to boot. Imagine if you had to sit next to this kid every day? You were literally playing with your life and didn't know it. Now here is the worst part if you attend Tech (well, not the worst. We will get to that in a second). Half the kids on that campus look like they could be named Syed. So if I'm an incoming freshman, I am staying away from Engineering or Computer Science or any technical field for that matter. I'd major in something like Management or Business Administration. Sure, it's not as impressive as getting your degree in EE, but at least you don't run the risk of dying from a suicide bombing.

Tech Bitch Syndrome. Nothing is more synonymous with the Georgia Institute of Technology that its male-to-female ratio. It currently stands at 30% female. Yup, you heard me. 70% of the students that attend Tech are male. This has led to the "Tech Bitch Syndrome." The following quote briefly explains TBS.

“The ratio is infamous. Men complain that the women are bitches, women complain that the men haven't hit puberty yet. There are three times as many guys as girls, yet there only seem to be about five dateable men on campus - the rest are busy playing World of Warcraft.”

Considering that the average Tech female looks like a veritable train wreck, those that are decent looking are catapulted into the sexual stratosphere. A girl who never got laid in high school is suddenly transformed into Marissa Miller. This leads to two interrelated phenomena. First, men at Georgia Tech (who aren't exactly the most socially adept as it is) become even more withdrawn and intimidated by the opposite sex. Second, girls who couldn't pay people to touch them get superiority complexes.

So, the men never get laid because the numbers are so low and the females never get laid because they get off on being pursued by every guy on campus who speaks English as a first language. Sounds like a goddamn powder keg to me.

Prediction: I kept going back and forth on this one. I considered UD's record away from the Arena. I thought about how the Flyers have been successful against BCS teams over the past few years. I even factored in how high Rob Lowery is likely to be during this trip and Gregory, feeling luckyhow that might affect the rest of the squad. My initial belief was that Tech's Big Three would likely outshine UD's Big Three (my illuminating trident scenario) and that would result in a Flyer loss. However, on second thought I am going to go back to old reliable, the theory I've been pitching since the beginning of last year. The theory holds that UD wins any game it absolutely has to in order to keep their momentum moving forward.

Although not as necessary as the win over Creighton, I still deem this game as a must-win for the U of D. A win against Tech would more than likely mean that the trip to the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico will be a successful venture for the Flyers. For Dayton to continue on the righteous path, a win over the Jackets is required. This is in direct contrast to Phil Collins' way of life, where no jacket is required.

Regardless, I think the Flyers win a close one. The defense steps it up and holds Georgia Tech to under 60 points. Dayton wins this one 63-60, with Chris Wright once again leading the charge. Wright finishes with 17 points and 9 boards. Johnson & Johnson give UD enough offense to keep the Jackets at bay. Brian Gregory begins wearing a shark's tooth necklace and continues to do so after the Tech game, as he considers it his lucky charm. The necklace lives a short life, as Gregory is forced to remove it one evening after his wife tells him to, "take that fucking thing off your neck. You look like Jimmy Buffett. If I wanted to marry someone who looked like Jimmy Buffet I would have moved to Florida, got an ankle bracelet and started selling burlap ponchos out of the back of my Volvo. Fucking asshole."

***Blog News***

• The site will be in the capable hands of Oliver and O'Brien. If Donoher posts a single word, someone email me immediately. 
• I'm going to try and live-blog the games simply because I want to try and contribute something while I am in Puerto Rico. These live-blogs will not be humorous or informative, and I will more than likely quit after the first timeout of the Georgia Tech game.
• There is a pink polo in our lost and found. If not claimed by the end of the week, it's mine.

Comments

[DiSab]

BG is one fine-looking dude in that banana hammock.

[Rosceaux]

Wow. Perhaps you should change the name to "The Blackburn All-Male Review."

Here is a preview of my lunch break at Holy Trinity RC:

Me: "Bless me father for I have sinned, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had impure thoughts about a very small coach from Dayton and a Flaming Neptune."
Him: "That will be three Hail Mary's and meet me by the sacristy after evening services"

[Jim O'Brien]

Where do you find this stuff Blackburn? How do you keep your job at SuperCuts while doing all this research?

Btw, Oliver and I are actually going to drink some whiskey and go to a Pearl Jam concert. So we'll see you guys in January.

[Don Donoher]

http://deadspin.com/5407011/miami-coach-not-impressed-by-lexington-reporters-question

Honestly...can we somehow adopt Charlie Coles to be our grandfather? The guy is AWESOME. As said in the podcast with Ray, look at that outfit!

[Daddy D]

The chick in the middle is "wearing" the Cuban flag. She is hotter than the others. Are there no hot Puerto Ricans to find on the webs?

[DiSab]

So have you seen London and Rob Lowery prowling the beaches for easy chicks yet? Or are you too drunk/stoned to even care?

I'm thinking this is going to be a titanic struggle, with the potential to derail the entire tourney. Prediction - UD 58, "GTU" 55. It'll go down to the final possession, which seems to be a fairly regular occurrence with this team against ranked/big-name opponents.

[RR]

The pink polo is DiSab's cum rag. help yourself.

[DiSab]

^And it used to be white.

[John]

Again Mr. Blackburn you continue to carry this website, great work.

UD 68

GT 64

The thought of playing Nova excites me

[John]

A PSA FROM MIAMI (OH)

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1924385

[theShroyerFlyer]

I got a guy in Homeland Security scribbling Kurt's name onto about 20 terrorist watch lists. When he tries to leave that island the TSA will kindly inform him he'll be playing out the rest of his college career at Gitmo. While there his fear of going to the rim will be put to the test every time those al-Queerda's corner his purdy mouth in the laundry.

I hope he packed extra jelly.