Recon: Rhode Island
January 27, 2012 rosceaux 
Rhode Island is not the best team in the conference. In fact, they are not even the best team called the Rams in the conference. They are 3-18 overall, 0-6 in conference, and have already lost a game at Fordham. After the second half pantsing delivered by the Hawks, they are just what Doctor Willie ordered.
Given the firing of Bobby Lutz and the misguided razor taken to Fran Dunphy, the only thing that Jim Baron has been winning this year has been the battle of the moustache. On the court? No, not so much. Baron built a respectable team and stayed there. In 10 years, he has been to the NIT 5 times, and has won 20 games 6 times. He even has won the A-10 coach of the year award 3 times at URI (2003, 07, and 09) and once in 1995 at his alma mater, St. Bonaventure (is he giving his peers free mustache rides?) Baron’s most recent graduating class has collected the most wins by a class in URI history. And, of course, he has led the Rams to the NCAA tournament a grand total of zero times. Each season has been termed a success. And where has all of this mediocrity landed him? Right here in this shit-show.
We’ll spend this week looking at the travels of Rhode Island’s shooting guard, Billy Baron. Billy heeded big brother Jimmy’s warnings and spurned his father to play at the University of Virginia. He had been averaging over 11 minutes per game as a freshman in the ACC while putting up 3 ppg. Not lottery numbers, but not too bad for a halfway decent league. Yet, prior to the start of his second semester, he transferred back to his father’s crumbling kingdom in Kingston. Why? With a tip of the cap to any UD students needing to come up with a theme for their latest lit projects, we here at the BR propose a few possible themes:
Avenging the father
Perhaps the most enduring literary theme has been that of the son avenging the father. From Orestes to Samurai Jack, from Inigo Montoya to Batman, the son seeking vengeance has been a powerful theme. Maybe none as enduring as Hamlet. In his case, Hamlet is driven mad by his father’s ghost and sets on a course to kill his Uncle Claudius who has not only murdered his father, but is also nailing his mother. A lot of other stuff ensued that were not in the Cliff notes, and I’ve never made it through a whole movie since Ophelia never shows her titties. Let it be known, however, that if you make a few bad choices in life, have a strong jawline, and want to be taken seriously as an actor, you will eventually be looking up the definition of the words “nunnery,” “forsooth,” and “perchance” in the dictionary.
Young mssr. Baron may be trying to forestall or even proactively avenge the inevitable canning of his father. Is the move from Charlottesville, Va. to Kingston madness? While Virginia is certainly in the South, it is more of a border state on the poon scale. However, whatever talent is there tends to apply to UVA. I’d say one part madness.
Building upon the legacy of the father
This doesn’t have as much punch in literary circles, but we can find a few examples. While Michael Corleone certainly used ruthless tactics, his killings were done to consolidate power, not just for vengeance. Even the bullets pumped into Sollozzo and McCluskey were “strictly business.” Donald Trump built upon his father’s legacy in real estate and having bad hair to climb to the top of the ladder in both worlds. A more appropriate sporting metaphor might be that of Bobby and Barry Bonds. Bobby Bonds was a very good outfielder who played most of his career for the Giants. He was a sometimes all-star who averaged 29 homers and 90 RBIs over a 14 year career. To build upon his father’s legacy, son Barry shrank his balls to the size of frozen peas.
Making the father’s legacy look good in comparison to the son’s own bumbling travails
The examples are even fewer, but it is possible for the offspring to be so ridiculously inept as to make the father look good in comparison. Off the top of my head, I’d look at Chaz Bono and Lethal Weapon2 as unduly inflating the relative competence of their predecessors. Then again, I am aware of one character who gloriously tried to redeem his father’s legacy by his own colossal misunderineptitude. Saddened to see that his father was placed on a list of the ten worst presidents in American history, George W. Bush sought to right that wrong. By staking a claim even further down the list, he attempted to push his father into a higher range. I haven’t seen proof myself, but W. must also have been distantly related to Millard Fillmore. How else could one explain a second term? Clearly, he tried to push Fillmore out of the bottom five. It’s the only reasonable way to explain Katrina, corporate bailouts, the subprime clusterfuck, the Plame affair, John Bolton, and the emergence of the “Real Housewives of…” franchise.
Before you dismiss this as being an implausible justification of Billy’s actions, check out the last 5 seconds of Rhody’s loss at Fordham
So who is Billy Baron? I have no idea. Is he trying to save his father’s job by returning to Rhode Island as the prodigal son? Does he think he can carry on as a local hero and redeem the Jim Sr/ Jimmy Junior legacy in Kingston? Or… is his mother so MILF-alicious that he is taking the Oedipal off ramp in a misguided courtship that includes striking down his father?
While we all finish reflecting upon how we each measure up short in comparison to our own fathers, let’s turn our attention to our nextest opponent. It’s a much easier dragon to slay.
Meet and Greet: You can’t spell turible without URI.
The Rams currently sit at RPI 277. They have not beaten a single team in the top 200, and have gone 3-3 against teams rated 200 or higher. Why are they so putrid? It’s all about defense. Rhode Island gives up more than 75 points per game (ranking 322 in Division I), allow opponents to shoot over 48% (333), and allow more than 14 assists per game (329th).
Their ranking is slightly better in conference play, as they had two key players become available in December. The First is Billy Baron. Billy heeded big brother Jimmy’s warning…. Oh, right, we’ve been there already. Baron is averaging 13.5ppg in conference games. He is shooting 46% from the field and 36% from behind the arc. Baron was recently joined in the backcourt by Andre Malone, who also started playing in December after transferring from Auburn halfway through last year. He’s averaging 12.7 ppg in conference play and is shooting 45% from the field and 31% from three. Both of URI’s remaining fans were eagerly awaiting the spark that these two would provide the otherwise moribund team. If possible, things have only gotten moribunder. The Rams are 2-8, with one of those wins coming against the Boston College debating team, who apparently switched uniforms with the basketball team this year.
Jonathan Holton is a freshman power forward who clocks in at 6-9/ 220. He will be a solid player someday. If LuKKKe is given the defensive assignment, that day will be Saturday. He’s seems to be one of the few players left who gives half a shit. He’s averaging 10 and 8, and when he eventually grows into his frame, may lead the league in surliness. On the other end of the spectrum is Orien Outerbridge. (“Orien” is the Aramaic word for “enigma” or “lost opportunity.”) He’s 6-9/225, averaging 11 and 7. I thought that he would be eating up the conference by his senior year, but his play has been consistently inconsistent. He sat out the first part of his junior year to “focus on academics,” which has led to a nomination for a MacArthur Foundation grant.
Nikola Malesevic is a 6-7 three point specialist who adds another 12 points per game on 34% 3-point shooting (after averaging 46% last year). Levan Shengelia is a 6-9 bruiser looking to add some color to the milky white appendages of the Ivory Towers. He hails from Georgia. Not the pussy Georgia where pussies come from. The Georgia that sends hungry foreign-exchange KGB agents – I mean students - to upset an otherwise gentlemanly game.
Prediction: I predict that everyone will get theirs. Even Paul Williams should get a couple of points off the porous Ram defense. Coach Archie will continue look like Steve from Blue’s Clues dressed for a funeral, and commentator John will now post from fake names on someone else’s computer. This is the kind of defense that will allow Chris Johnson (and possibly Dennis Williams) to shine. Flyers by 11.
Sidebar: Last week, tman quoted my writing from this site and used it for a self-serving post on another board. Now I know how Robert Oppenheimer felt at Los Alamos.
Reader Comments (36)
Flyers by 11? That would be considered a victory for Rhody is that is the outcome. Only chance we have of keeping this under double digits is if Marquis Jones comes back & saves us again. Flyers will be up 3 at the half but will end up winning by 19.
That's how you fucking write a recon. And +1 for a Samauri Jack reference.
@TB Plagiarism is the ultimate form of flattery, enjoy! You nailed the Blue's Clues bit (sad that I know such things)
@Chris In past years I would agree, except we would probably be down to RI by 3 at halftime. I agree with TB based on history that an 11 point win sounds about right (I would call down by 3 at half). However, this sliver of naive hope says Flyers by 25 in a route, with a new Sherriff Archie in town
Oops sorry for the sleight rosceaux. I bet TB plagiarizes your shit. Nice recon
pshaw! get real! Dayton by 32
I loved the tman slam. plagiarizer!
Dana O'Neil - espn.com
"4. Dayton has been unleashed.
This shouldn't be read as a criticism of Brian Gregory. He's a terrific coach who did a great job in his years at Dayton.
But sometimes change is good and change is necessary.
Archie Miller has been a breath of fresh air for the Flyers, pushing the tempo and allowing his players a little more creative freedom on offense.
A team that once hovered closer to the 60- to 70-point range is now pushing into the 80s in league play.
It's all added up to a 4-2 Atlantic 10 record and 14-6 mark for a team that wasn't expected to do much at all."
Dana is so cagy, I love it. The first sentence makes it even better.
Maybe more like Michael C agenging his brother or Vito C avenging his father......whatever I love vengeance
Sophocles references are for winners. Rosceaux is a winner.
Here is the funny thing, I set John up for failure. I knew when he was accused of something he would go insane and I laughed and laughed. I got the first person banned from an un-bannable site. I will find a new victim. Btw, if you understood IP's Blackburn it has nothing to do with an actual computer it has to do with their Internet access, what I'm doing is so elementary it's hilarious. Ever think idiot John may not have password protected his Internet? You guys shouldn't have messed with UDPride last year.
Give me 10 months and I'll take this site down.
Poops: 1,000. Blackburn: 0. John: - 25. Donoher: - 77 (for looking like an obese horse.)
http://i.imgur.com/WWBcd.png
@Poops Lame. Yay, have fun with your sinister plot
@Poops: what did this site do to UDPride? I hope you aren't referring to the gay porn that JOHN posted over there.
That was the beginning and why I targeted his ass first. It was simple to fool the leader. He doesn't e en u defers d the magic of IPs. You wo t I ago e what else is in store.
*understand and *believe
Sic semper tyrannis! Occupy the Blackburn Review!
Soooo... what happened to John? And what did Poops do to him?
Nevermind... Found it.
Blackburn, ypu've finally made the big time! Someone who is seriously trying to carry out a vendetta on the site!
Time to go drink. Fuck off poops.
I can't tell if this poops guy is for real or if it's just some massive joke. Whatever, he's a dope anyway.
John was framed! Blackburn is getting way over the top with his IP address crackdown. Why the censorship?
A self-serving post?
I quoted you. I gave you credit.
I thought it was a good line.
What the hell else do you want?
A copyright?
JohnR: "Gee, Poops, what do you want to do tonight?"
Poops: "The same thing we do every night, john—try to take over the world!"
I keep forgetting, is John 'Tyler Durden,' or is that Poops?
@Rosceaux...we met Poops at a very strange time in our lives.
I'm so confused. So "Poops" is admitting his used John's computer to post here?
John is schizophrenic, "Poops" is a sock-puppet on John's hand.
Who is poops?
Paul Williams must be knocking the bottom out of some white pussy. He sucks!! man up pussy!!
Put the fork in them this team is done for the season. CBI here they come. Disgraceful.
New Coach New System Same suck ass results in conference play
Happy days are here again for BR
Can we hire BG as a consultant on how to play D? Don't get me wrong, with BG as the Head Coach we would have lost 45-41.
@Swavier Agreed. Was very happy to see BG leave but our defense is sooo bad, unreal.
Pathetic
Its largely talent- we don't have enough of it on this team. This loss is a surprise but so are many of the wins. I will be surprised if we win 4 more games- including any post season.
Only positive tonight was seeing "The Ivory Towers" in the free game program.
I realize Mitt should win Florida easily today but I'm gonna have a hard time supporting him with his Romneycare baggage.
But at this point he may be our only option left vs this socialist regime in power.
I just dont know if I can vote for him
Newt just simply isn't cutting it...Hes a loose cannon. I wish Bachmanm would have stuck it out