I remember when I first starting dating my wife. Hot little body. Couldn’t wait to get her into bed. After three or four weeks of dating, we were getting pretty intense. Finally, we went to party together. She pulled me into a bedroom, pushed a dresser in front of the door, and flung off her clothes. It was pure, unadulterated adultery. Physical, primal, intense. My goodness life was going to be great.
Flash forward six years. She’s got the same hot little body, but all that promise has evaporated. Sometimes I’m polite enough to leave the room and spend some “quality time” on the computer. At others I’ll try not to wake her up as I jerk off in bed. But if I do, it’s really her fault… so fuck it.
A closer analysis reveals a myriad of factors contributing to my unsatisfying sex life. I’d say that 30% has to do with my wife’s diminished interest. About 25% due to having two kids in the house. I’ll suck it up and say that another 20% has to due with my physical and/or technical inability to please her or any other woman. 20% due to my being a pussy and not pressing the point from the beginning of the slide (the moment the plane touched down from the honeymoon). And 5% due to fear that my wife will see Ashley Madison on the credit card bill.
What’s the point? Maybe I can learn something by being honest about where the blame lies. And maybe I can take steps to improve my current and future performance based on a more reasonable appreciation of the contributing factors.
Of course, my lack of sexual development leads us directly to a more frank discussion of the unfulfilled legacy of Chris Wright. Sure, it’s easy to blame his lackluster performance on the court and lack of development – if not downright regression – on the departing head coach. And believe me, there is plenty of blame to be placed there. But making that the ONLY focus is akin to BG throwing Juwan Staten under the ice road truck (driven by Archdeacon) and blaming all the shortcoming of this past season on chemistry. So let’s be bigger than that (And by bigger, I only mean taller than 5’4”).
So, as Chris Wright prepares for his commencement from the University of Dayton, let’s give him a nice going away present. A life lesson or two that certainly is applicable to basketball. I’d hate for his basketball life to be unfulfilled. And I’d really hate to see his computer loaded with cookies from the porn sites that could constitute the totality of his sexual life once married.
Causes of Chris Wright’s lack of development:
Brian Gregory (50%)
Oh, BG, you weaver of ineffective offenses, low expectations, and self-absolving blame. It’s hard to even get started on this one. While you were getting cyber-blown by Swampy and the old, white minions on UD Pride, you left your players to languish. You are such an easy target with such a long history of non-development that it’s hard not to pass on 100% of the blame to you. It’s really, really hard. I would imagine that in six years, those engineering dweebs at the Georgia Institute of Technology will have developed a precise algorithm to explain your direct statistical contribution to your players’ stagnation. There will be no charge. You will have robbed those acned social misfits of their only chance of non-robotic fun during their college careers. They’d be happy to work out the proofs. It might bring something resembling a wormy-lipped smile to their barely humanoid, translucent faces.
Where do we start…? Maybe with the offensive scheme. The only less effective weave in college basketball is sitting on Bill Self’s head. Let’s see… CW gets the ball at the top of the key and has one of four choices:
1) Pass it back to the disgruntled point guard (last year’s, this year’s or next year’s),
2) Throw it into the corner at one of his flat-footed buddies,
3) Dribble it off his own knee, or
4) Chuck up an ill-advised, low percentage jump shot.
Nothing down low, no cutting from the baseline. No posting-up of a smaller, less athletically gifted defender. Chuck and run to the hoop for an offensive board. That’s it.
In a system where BG’s most praised player was a four year, every game starting center/corpse whose contributions were quantified as “intangibles,” individual offensive freedom was squelched. How could there be no clearouts for that brawny, coiled spring from Trotwood?
Every pick was set outside of the arc, freeing up plenty of rushed, contested, three-point attempts. Why were they all contested? Because the bigs could hedge on the screens, knowing that there would be no cuts into the lane.
Even when given the keys to a Porsche (albeit a temperamental one) this season, there were no sets exploiting a two-man game. No wonder his five-star, quicksilver guard left as a sullen mope. No wonder CW was downgraded from first team all-A10 to (charity) third team. No wonder. The two best athletes on the team told to work within 25 square foot crescents 15 and 20 feet from the hoop with minimal interaction.
I can’t even begin to address the distribution of minutes, the constant shuffling of personnel, and the fact that his players openly refer to him as “McFly” when speaking to the press. However, I can address the constant excuse making and lowered expectations.
I don’t know who the SID is down at GTech, but please make sure that BG continues to sit right in front of the backdrop so that “Wreck” appears to caption his every statement.
Academic Rigors of University of Dayton (8%)
Now if Chris took the easy way out, he could have gone to some jock mill like Butler. Sure Matt Howard is an Academic All-America with a 3.77 GPA. Look closer and you’ll see that he’s done it in one of those majors fabricated for today’s athletes: Finance. Really, Matt? Finance? And no one else sees through this? It’s the basket-weaving of the new millennium. So the kid can expound on the role of Sarbanes-Oxley and its impact on the American financial sector vis-à-vis the functioning of non-parametered investment institutions in the European Union. Puuuullleaze! That’s the type of bullshit he probably picked up during his blacktop games of 21.
Nope. Chris took the high road. He went to Dayton and majored in Electronic Media. That’s tough stuff, man. Takes an entire semester to learn that the pronunciation of your major stars with a short “e” and not a long “e.” I mean, maybe that was an easy major when I was in college. The only electronic media back then were transistor radios and broadcast tv. Nowadays, you’ve got all that plus the Interwebs and the Twitters and the Facebooks and the Texting. Even those tubes that shoot the T-shirts into the stands, those are electric and the shirts have writing on them, right? Poor kid just pulled out of the Portsmouth Invitational to concentrate on academics. Smart move. He’s got a term paper on the Kindle coming due, and he’ll never get a contract to play in Turkmenistan if he doesn’t at least pull a C+ in that class.
Hold the Presses! I just found out that CW has switched his major to “General Studies.” Really? No wonder he’s holed up in a study carrel instead of working out in front of pro scouts. That kid only has to learn about ev-er-y-thing. Everything! I might not want him to play power forward in my over-40 pickup league, but he’d definitely be my first choice as partner in a Trivial Pursuit tournament.
Chris Wright (25 %)
Certainly, Chris, you didn’t think you were going to get off scot-free here. I haven’t seen a basketball player disappear so completely since Chuck Cunningham vanished from “Happy Days.”
Had Chris been nothing but a computer-animated player in the latest edition of NCAA Hoops, then his lack of development could be ascribed to the programmer or to the pimple-faced geek handling the controller. But Chris was so much more than that. He was an athlete receiving a free education with access to coaches, trainers, facilities, nutritionists, and a steady stream of hose bags from both UD and the greater Trotwood area more than willing to service him. (Can you imagine how much more productive we all could have been in college had getting laid been reduced to saying “Next!” instead of drunkenly pitching lines of bullshit to chubby girls in too-tight panties at closing time?)
Let’s not kid ourselves here. Chris came to Dayton to play basketball. He had a staff of professionals at his service to ensure that playing basketball would be as easy as possible. He had student-managers at his beck and call to rebound foul shots for hours on end and to buy new cases of Magnums if the supply ever got low. He had access to the sixth best collegiate training facilities in the state of Ohio.
Also, Chris was not a one-man show. He was surrounded by some pretty good basketball players who could – or at least would – create their own offense. Plenty of room for you to operate in that system, buddy. It’s not like he was Brian Roberts, a one-man team surrounded by a bunch of MAAC players.
Chris wasn’t even asked to play center on defense, a task that his frame might have been suited for. Charles Little, HWSRN, LuKKKe, Searcy, and even Kav the Klown were asked to stand in the middle of the lane, take up space, and wave their arms harmlessly, lest Chris be asked to use his freakish athleticism in service of the team. Take this one off, buddy, LuKKKe’ll get his feet tangled up and create space by falling backwards as you wait on the outside before scooping up a rebound that’s already bounced twice.
And let’s not forget that Chris has been exposed to some opportunities that even very few college stars are able to exploit. He was plucked for the USA Basketball Select squad. He was coached by Lorenzo Romar, Jay Wright, and played in front of Coach K and Boeheim. He played with some of the top basketball players in his senior class. Do you really think that no one said, “Hey, Chris, you really gotta work on that handle? Here’s a drill that we use.” “Hey, Chris, you could ass rape the entire A-10 if your first step moved you towards the basket and not parallel.” “Hey, Muscles, THIS is what a drop step looks like… turn, drop step, show the ball high, and move to the hole like a big boy!” His inability or unwillingness to take advantage of these opportunities is almost criminal.
The other players also had substandard 2010-11 seasons: Jimmer Ferdette, Kemba Walker, Sheldon Mack, Kyle Singler, Scoop Jardine, etc, etc, etc.]
Jesus Christ (10%)
Sorry, JC, but You have to take a hit here too. Didn’t Chris have conversations with You after his sophomore and junior seasons (or was that with Your Dad)? Each time, You apparently advised him to stay in school. What a fucking rotten move! You haven’t made such a lousy decision since You told Judas which bar You and the apostles were going to hang out in after that last supper. (Can’t blame You for telling the Japanese to buy waterfront. That’s Buddha’s fault). Maybe You thought You were on the prayer phone with Chris Wright from Georgetown. Now there’s a kid who got better and improved in his last two years.
Let’s look at the end of his sophomore year. Chris just led his team into the big boy tournament. Won a first round game highlighted by a thunderous breakaway dunk. Now THAT was the time to turn pro. Sell high, Brotha! Telling Chris to stick around for two extra years is like advising someone to hold onto stocks of Gateway Computing.
Even if Chris didn’t stick around on an NBA roster, he still could have made one of the premiere European leagues. Kid could’ve played on AC Milan. Could’ve been the Spanish Fly-er. Would’ve stayed in the minds of the real pro scouts for a cup of coffee with the Clippers or Hornets or some other team that I couldn’t give a crap about. I hear the NBA is in Oklahoma or Arkansas or somewhere now. Really don’t follow the game. I don’t think You do either, or You would have shattered Kobe’s femur a few years ago.
Maybe You have a higher calling for Chris. One that doesn’t involve professional basketball. Maybe you are taunting the good people of Dayton (Ohio’s Gomorrah) for their sins. You move in strange and mysterious ways. This one has us flummoxed.
White Womens (0%)
While the bane of every African-American hoopster, we have no information directly linking you to our old hillbilly announcer’s granddaughter.
See: Johnson, Chris
Dayton Daily News (7%)
Not one realistic article in the kid’s four years (plus two years of building him up). Not one follow-up question to the head coach or athletic director asking about realistic assessments. Not a single insinuation that being picked to win the A-10 and ending up in the NIT (2009-2010) was a victory for lowered expectations. I can only hope that you will treat Coach Archie with enough respect for him, his program, and his players that you don’t treat him as if he is coaching in the Special Olympics. (P.S: More pictures of Mrs. Coach Archie, please.)
In kowtowing to the yokels, you have done nothing but write a blank check for mediocrity. It’s even difficult to blame the sweater vests who subsist on nothing but “Wheel of Fortune,” the early bird specials at Friday’s, and the daily pabulum issued forth from your dying paper.
And so, Chris Wright, as you walk off of that stage after receiving your diploma, we all wish you well. We present you with this analysis not to excoriate you, but to empower you for your future endeavors. The only people in life who get ahead by laying blame and not doing anything productive are those twin rowing pricks from the Facebook movie (but you probably know that already being all up on Electronic Media and all). Don’t focus your attention on the people who tell you that you are perfect and blameless and try to kiss your ass at every turn. Focus your attention on those that will help you to realize any shortcomings, love you anyway, and help you take responsibility to the extent that you are able.
If you’ll excuse me, I have to go hang out with that other Chris Wright. He’s making it rain twenties over at Desires in DC, and I want to see if I can get a freebie in the champagne room. Lord knows I’m not getting any at home.
January 30, 2012 
(2/13/08) Duquesne 63 Dayton 61: Brian Roberts’ senior season was full of highlight victories – including wins over Louisville and Pittsburgh, a pair of games we will still be hearing about twenty years from now. The Flyers ran out to a 14-1 record before hitting some setbacks in conference play (since known as the “Gregory Special”). UD was 4-5 in the Atlantic Ten entering their home clash with the Dukes in mid-February. With seven league games remaining, and a stellar resume to that point, UD still had a lot to play for. Certainly a home game against the middling Dukes would surely have been the catalyst to a 10 win conference record and a probable NCAA bid.
(3/6/10) Saint Louis 71 Dayton 66: Dayton was an eleven and a half point favorite as the Bills visited the Arena in early March. The game was the conference closer and the Flyers were coming off a close loss at Richmond. A victory over Rick Majerus’ squad would mean a 9-7 finish in the league. The Flyers came out slow, going into halftime down 34-19. UD managed to cut the margin down to just four with over two minutes left, but couldn’t get any closer. It was a capper on a very frustrating season in which the Flyers managed to lose eight conference games by an average of just 3.5 points per game. But fret not; as the t-shirt you are probably wearing right now indicates, UD went on to win the NIT Tournament. 
(3/2/11) Saint Louis 69 Dayton 51: Almost the same exact situation as the previous game on the list, UD once again came out flat and fell behind 35-19 at the half. Unlike the aforementioned contest, the Flyers were never able to get back to within striking distance. Petey Zestermann came in with two minutes left, a breakfast burrito still churning in his stomach, and the season was all but done. A game Dayton absolutely had to win ended in appalling fashion. It was both Chris Wright and Brian Gregory’s last game at UD Arena, how apropos. 
(11/30/11) Buffalo 84 Dayton 55: Archie’s first undressing. Not a season killer by any means, but a shocking result nonetheless. Dayton was still riding some good vibes after winning the Old Spice Classic. After a two-hour pregame commemoration ceremony, in which Archie was awarded a gold-plated blazer and the Old Spice trophy was passed around the entire Arena, the Flyers came out rather flat. The Bulls jumped out to a 32-11 lead and the universe’s best fans hit the exits at the break. It was the first indication that maybe allowing the other team to score on every possession wasn’t the best strategy. Revolutionary? Yes. Effective? Hardly.
(11/27/10) Cincinnati 68 Dayton 34: The “Doubled Up” game. The Flyers scored 19 points in the first half, 15 in the second. Statistically speaking, the game was over with 14:30 still left to go in the game. I’m not a UD basketball historian, although telling girls that I am has led to oral favors in the past, but this defeat must rank near the top of the worst losses in Dayton’s 100+ years of semi-competitive basketball. Supposedly in 1907, back when UD was known as St. Mary’s Institute, the school lost 65-6 to the Oakwood Albino Academy. The Albinos, as legend would have it, were just very light-skinned black guys. Unfortunately, this charge cannot be substantiated (nor denied). Suspicions, however, were raised during the postgame showers. 
