pissyBJ

The freshman had a rough time this weekend. There was minimal destruction of dorms, but there was a large quantity of liver destruction. Like a usual weekend, there was plenty of vomiting and sloppy makeouts, also an apparent blowjob received by a kid who pissed his pants.

This weekend two kids from the same floor had to be taken to the hospital in the same night for alcohol poisoning. Slow down guys, the warm Natty and Orloff will still be here next weekend.

A group of freshman males got themselves into some major trouble this weekend. Five drunken freshmen decided to go smoke weed in a kid’s car. A cop pulled up, so what did they do? They tried to drive away. The boys made it a few hundred feet before being pulled over. The campus police wrote them up for drinking, having beer in the car, and large amounts of marijuana. The driver did manage to evade a DUI charge. The freshmen guys are dropping like soldiers on the beaches of Normandy.

blurrychick

I’ll finish with two stories: one of revenge and one of assault with a semi-deadly weapon. A freshman male was very angry with his girlfriend. What would be proper revenge? He had sex with his girlfriend’s best friend, but he didn’t stop there. He took a Snapchat of him having sex with his girlfriend’s best friend and sent it to his girlfriend. Well played youngin, well played.

The next story comes from an angry drunken freshman. He was very intoxicated and he decided to take it to the next level. Reportedly, he chopped up lines of Vicodin and snorted them off the table in a public dorm lounge. Another resident of the dorm started making fun of the Vicodin snorter, so he got very hostile. He was eventually put to bed… or so everyone thought. Minutes later he returned brandishing a mac n’ cheese covered fork. He ran at his target and attempted to stab him with the fork. Fortunately, he was held back and eventually passed out.

Stay Drunk. Stay Stupid.

1408866215191517181113

Freshman Report