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American Reunion: This pie got a little stale

reunionThe main reasons that I loved the American Pie franchise was because I felt, at times, I was LIVING the American Pie movies. No, not the straight-to-dvd ones, the real ones. American Pie came out in the summer of 1999 when I was getting ready to start my senior year of high school. The guys and girls in the movie were finishing up their senior year of high school. In American Pie 2 (coming out in 2001) the gang was going through that awkward phase of what to do that summer between freshman and sophomore year of college. In 2001, I also was going through that awkward phase between frosh and soph year, so much so that I actually spent a summer in Maine. Yeah, crazy. In 2003, American Wedding came out and I remember seeing it with a girl I thought I was going to marry. I am so glad that did not happen. Regardless of how you thought of the Pie franchise, in my mind it was a little piece of me. So when I heard that not only they was going to be a new movie, but ALL of the actors from the first movie were going to be in it. I was super excited. But as with all things in life, I got my hopes up.

Before you read on, be prepared for some spoilers.  American Reunion was not bad. However, it was not good either. That probably doesnt make sense. I didn’t expect it to blow me away. Being away for 9 years will do that to someone. Like I stated above, the gang was all there. Jim and Michelle are still married and now have a 2-year-old. Kevin is married and has a beard. Oz is a sportscaster and was on a dancing show. He is also dating Cerie form 30 Rock (a solid addition to the movie). Heather is a doctor, lives in New York, and is dating a coworker. Finch is fat and claims to be “the most interesting man in the world.” Stifler is still Stifler…meaning he thinks he is badass when in reality, he is only a temp at his agency. Vicky is still hot (sorry, I have a soft spot in my heard for Tara Reid). Jim’s dad is now a widow and still giving out sage, yet awkward, advice to Jim. Stifler’s mom is fatter than ever with tits so big, they looked CGI. Minor characters like Sherman, Jessica, and Nadia even show up. Let’s not even go into the whole argument of “these guys would never be friends in real life.” I was thinking about that the other day and could go on for hours about how Stifler/Oz would never talk to Finch/Jim in high school. But I digress.

For some reason, the gang didn’t have a 10 year reunion and have been invited to a 13 year reunion. They don’t really explain this (or maybe they did, I wasn’t paying attention at the beginning). For how good of friends they are, they sure don’t see each other a lot. Wait a second, that is real life. Maybe THAT is why I didn’t like American Reunion as much as I should have. I email and talk on the phone with high school friends, but I rarely get to see them. Life fucking sucks. As for the crew, Jim/Michelle are stuck in a sexless marriage, Kevin is a pussy whipped husband, Oz and Heather are in relationships that will never be like the one they were in together, Finch is Finch, Vicky is jealous of everyone moving on, and Stifler is pissed that everyone HAS moved on.

cobrinThere are funny moments when the gang gets back together. They also go to the places where they used to hang out at high schoolers that are now occupied by the current high schoolers. They notice how douche-like guys are and how much sluttier girls are now and think to themselves, “Were we that bad?” No, you just got older. It was like when I went back to Oxford for the first time in years with some friends last year. The first thing I noticed was how fucking old I am. The girls are still hot (and yes, sluttier), but the guys are the biggest assholes and annoying fucks ever. Was I like this? Probably. Am I just jaded because I am old? Yes. That is how the gang feels. There are parties, there is booze, and there is sex…just like all Pie movies. Jim’s neighbor, who he used to babysit, is now 18 and wants to lose her virginity to him. Yes, you get to see her tits. A LOT. They are nice and it made me smile. Hopefully my wife is not reading this right now. And if you like penis, you get to see that too. In the end, it is shockingly Stifler that brings the gang back together (with a little help from the guys). While they all have grown up, they all are still friends and have each other. Awwww!

I enjoyed American Reunion because it made me think fondly of the other 3 movies. There is also a lot of 90’s music that made me flashback to high school. It was fun to see the gang back together, even if it was clear as day that some (cough…Alyson Hanigan…cough) are too good for this shit and know it. Jim gets in an awkward situation, Stifler does something gross, Oz acts like a sensitive tool, Finch tries to be philosophical, and Kevin is just…Kevin. This movie will give you some laughs, but it is not as good as the first 2 installments and barely beats Wedding. It was great for the nostalgic purposes but not much else. I give it a 2.5 out of 4.


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