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Bring the (Northern) Illinoise

hnxg6wgke1gy278v5llfylazavjambWhat was the hardest thing about doing this recon? Probably spelling “Illinois” into Google search so I could spend ten minutes researching this team.  Was it worth it?  If nothing else, this recon should serve to bury Donoher’s embarrassing attempts at writing further down this page.

I was going to say that the Flyers have been making their way through the cupcakes on their schedule like Rick Majerus has been making his way through cupcakes. That’s gotta be in bad taste though, right? I mean, If RickMa is still clinging to this dimension, maybe we can have one last laugh at his expense. If he taps out between the time that I write this and the time when it is last viewed and forgotten (i.e. tomorrow), I am the world’s worst human being. But I’m a gambling man hiding in anonymity behind a fake internet handle. Just like I was back in the ‘70s when I’d use my father’s CB radio and call people ‘gay.’ Only this time, I hope I don’t get caught and forced to give some trucker a handjob behind the Dunkin’ Donuts.

The Flyers have been making their way through the cupcakes on their schedule like Rick Majerus has been making his way through cupcakes.  Stuffing their faces with tasty confections, and then suffering another heart attack.

Really, there are worse things than losing to a team like Weber State. I guess it’s like waking up with an ugly chick in your bed. You feel terrible and it hurts your reputation, but you might as well get it out of the way. Wait… this was a home game? To Weber Fucking State? That’s like waking up with an ugly guy in your bed. And you were the bottom.

Oh well, live and learn. It’s not like you’ve already lost to Rhode Island. That doesn’t happen for another two and a half months.

When breaking down an unknown team, it’s always best to start with its coach. Mark Montgomery is in his second year at the helm for the Huskies. He spent 10 years as Tom Izzo’s lead assist at Michigan State. What does that mean? Can we expect hockey line changes, poor shooting, lowered expectations, and for him to recruit ‘athletes’ over ‘basketball players?’ Or, can we expect him to have some knowledge of offense, take responsibility for failings, and be able to eat at Denny’s without using the booster seat?  Then again, he is black, so Denny’s may still be off limits.

The Fightin’ North Illini come into the House of Disillusionment with a 1 – 5 record. They have already lost to three schools with RPIs above 200. Their only win comes against lowly Weber State (I may have made up all those stats, except for the fact that Weber State is lowly). Their program is so bad that Matt Derenbecker could see floor time for them if their sixth man gets into foul trouble.

By the way,  it is about time that we begin to address the gulf between the expectations for and the results of Matty D. Everyone touted him as the second coming almost as if the program had just graduated a tall, lanky doofus who didn’t like mixing it up inside and favored the perimeter. At this point in the season, he may have served his team best if he took the fall for Kavs and confessed to cereal masturbation in public. Yes, it’s true, Kavs masturbated to a bowl of Fruity Pebbles (allegedly). I don’t remember losing any games to Weber Fucking State with Franken-Fondler around, do you?

NIUThe Northern Illini feature identical twins Keith and Kevin Gray at their forward positions. My first thought is God bless their parents by not giving them stupid twin names. Like Kevin and Tevin,  Tayshawn and Mayshawn, or Prince and the Artist Formerly Known as Prince. Now, I know that Mr. Blackburn is thinking that all brothers look alike, but these are really IDENTICAL twins. Shit’s legit.

I would have to imagine that any number of their offensive plays consist of them both running down the floor and then saying “Here I am” and then having the other one dart to the wing and saying “No, here I am!” That’s got to be confusing. Can you imagine trying to switch assignments off a pick? Garivolich and Pierre are having a hard enough time learning to speak English as it is. How are they going to say “I’ll take the one that’s well-spoken and you take the one who likes hip-hop.”

Probably confusing for their teammates too, which may have resulted in the 1-5 record. Imagine trying to pass to one of the Grays and then having the other dart into your peripheral vision. It’s like playing with a grain alcohol hangover. My suggestion is that they distinguish themselves on court. Maybe one can wear a red Kangol cap and the other can wear a white cap like Gilligan. Or one can smell like lavender hand cream and the other doesn’t wash his socks for the season.  Or, one can sport baggy shorts and the other can wear ‘70s shiny satin shorts like he just came from the RollerDisco rink. That would be so awesome.

But the real point is, being an identical twin must be like being a superhero. No, not a superhero, a supervillian. And not one of those lame villains like the Riddler, or the Taliban, or that douchebag that runs UDPride.  A real super- supervillian that always has an alibi. Imagine what it would be like to have someone who looked exactly like you, acting in league with you to pull off nefarious plots. I wonder what it would be like if other people had identical twins…

Matty D: He could spend all day 24/7 drinking and getting high while his untalented identical twin brother sat glued to the Dayton bench, thus erasing the shame of his father.

Swampy Meadows: Would be able to suck one of Coach Archie’s balls in his mouth while also being able have his twin suck on the other

Coach Archie: Could spend his days wearing ill-fitting suits and prowling the sidelines of college basketball games in front of his smoking hot wife while his identical twin brother continues to engage in misdeeds and skirt the long arm of the law in Yuma, Arizona.

Betty White: While she spends her days cragily withered, peeing in her Depends at each sneeze, and being the darling of ironic hipsters and the feeble-minded, her twin sister lies decomposing under the back porch, dead for 23 years, and picked to the bones by a gaze of baby raccoons.

gray-keith-1-25Meet and Greet

Besides Keith and Kevin Gray, the Huskies boast a Norwegian with long hair, a kid with the last name of “Balls,” seven freshmen, and a bunch of other guys you’ve never heard of.

Akeem Springs is their leading scorer at 10.6 points per game. He is a shoot first and only guard and presently carries 6 turnovers to make up for his 5 unintentional assists. Holy fuck, this kid is shooting 32% from the floor and 22% from behind the arc. He’s taken almost twice as many shots as the next highest kid on the team.  Sam Mader is their second leading scorer, good for 8.4 points per game. However, with a .586 field goal% from the floor and .33 from long range, he does have a conscience. He will be finding presents in his stocking in 24 more days. (Unlike you, Akeem, you selfish prick!)

Daevon Balls leads the team in assists with 11, but follows that up with 8 turnovers.  He’s also scoring 6.8 per game.

Askel Bolin plays exactly as you might expect from a 6-7 Norwegian. Decent shooting percentages, good rebounds, limits his turnovers. Probably thinks Garrison Keillor is funny. You’d probably want him marrying your sister if he didn’t play for such a shitty basketball team and listen to that stupid Prairie Home Companion while preparing goose for Christmas dinner. Jesus, Askel, who prepares goose? Tastes like duck that’s been left out in the sun for too long. Get over your fucking Nordic traditions, buy a goddam Butterball and a spiral ham and pass the sweet potatoes.


Pain. For whoever has to watch this shit. When your only remaining fan/blogger says that your team is focusing on defense, you suck. (And I’m not sure which team I am referencing right there.) If Matty D doesn’t get off the bench for this game, he may as well declare for the NFL draft with that other weed-head from LSU.

I told my boy Matt I says there’s only two things to watch for once you cross over the Mason-Dixon. Two things, I say. The Negro and the Frenchman. Then I looks at the roster and alls I sees are the darkies and the French. Even got a colored boy named Pierre on the team, swear to Jesus Pete! Gadblum Northreners… don’t know their gumbo from their jambalaya up thar.


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