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Five For Flying

The Dayton Browns



Matt: Well here we are again, Flyer faithful. It’s the time that comes every season when we can stop having any expectations for this year’s team. This comes at different points every season. Sometimes after getting knocked out of the NCAA Tournament (rarely), sometimes after a deep NIT run (less rarely), and sometimes after losing another embarrassing A10 game (least rare). I didn’t watch the St Joe’s game as it was on past my 8:00pm bedtime (not a joke), and I already knew it didn’t matter. I did however submit myself to the two-hour water boarding session that was the Temple game.

Jesus Tap-dancing Christ. It’s like watching the college basketball version of the Browns in that they find ever more creative ways of losing. Really think about the ending of that game, and how insane it was. Dayton fouls, player misses both freebies. Dayton throws an inbound pass that is blown dead because Josh Benson “Day-Lewis’ed” a foul call at the opposite end of the court. Benson misses both free throws. Dayton attempts to foul on the ensuing inbound play, completely whiffs, but the ref calls the foul anyway. Temple player misses first free throw. Tries to throw second FT off the rim to himself (because he is the only player on his team there for the rebound), but line drives it off the backboard and the play is blown dead. UD tries to throw the ball the length of the court for a desperation shot, but somehow the long pass is tipped by the guy defending the inbound pass. Time runs out. That is a strange a sequence to lose the game as I have seen in recent years. “Dayton’d.”


Don: I want to say that was the most brutal loss in my history of watching UD basketball but that would be a lie. This game didn’t mean anything and I’m sure there are other games that hurt more. The Xavier game a few years ago with the missed Matt Kav lay up hurt like hell, GW hitting a half court shot for the win, anytime Rhode Island hit a game winning 3 pointer, etc. I “live blogged” this game and at the end, my wife turned to me and said, “Don’t break our computer.” Cue up Ron Burgundy…”I’m not even mad. I’m impressed!”

Seriously, only Dayton could lose in a fashion like that. What is even more painful is that the Atlantic 10 (and college basketball as a whole) is not that good this year. If Dayton somehow got their foot out of their asses and won these close games, they would be firmly in the NCAA Tournament discussion. And I don’t know about you, but with the parityI’ve been seeing this year, I will not be shocked if we see a double-digit seeded team not only go to the Final Four, but possibly win it (Blackburn note: hyperbole, sure, but this has been an especially turrible college basketball season). I’m not saying that Dayton would have/could have done that, but it’s worth mentioning that if there was a year for a Cinderella to make a run, it’s this one.


5111.12174.service dog with boy

Matt: I was watching Jim Jeffries new show “Legit” the other night (which I very much enjoy). In it, he is boarding an airplane and there is a throwaway bit about a women bringing a dog onto the plane. She says it is her service dog, to treat sadness, depression, and loneliness, and she is subsequently allowed to bring it aboard. To many of you, this may have seemed odd, or just made up. It is not. This fall, my girlfriend and I were at the Easton shopping center, and looking around the fancy pet store there. A girl walked in, a bit homely, not particularly well dressed, with a dog on a leash behind her. It was a smaller, cute dog, whose breed I can’t remember. My girlfriend loves animals, especially dogs. She reached down to pet the dog, and about as soon as her hand reached the dog’s head, the owner yanked on the leash and pulled it away. “He’s working!” the goblin crowed to my girlfriend. I grabbed her and got her out of the store, as she was both angered and in shock. She didn’t understand how this dog was working when the girl wasn’t blind.

This led to me having to explain something that pisses me off to no end: people claiming pets as service dogs because they themselves are such awful people (and usually extremely unattractive) that they have no friends, no significant others, and nobody who wants to spend time with them. The poor dog is forced to make up for all their feelings of inadequacy. Not to mention, one of the reasons EVERYONE gets pets is to have a companion who shows them unconditional affection. That’s precisely what pets are for. You aren’t special and neither is your dog. Stop taking it places dogs don’t belong, asshole. Blind people need their service dogs to cross the street without getting mowed down by some douche talking on his phone while he speeds through an intersection. You need yours so you don’t feel sad walking around the mall? Get the fuck outta here.

Don: Yikes! Matt is bringing the serious today! I have never seen anyone using a “working dog” when they weren’t blind so I can’t really speak for that. You mentioned that she was “a bit homely and not particularly dressed.” Is that the PC way of saying she looked like a fat homeless person? That will allow me to talk about one of my all time pet peeves and that is fat people using scooters.


I see it all the time when I go to Vegas (obviously) or the mall. Since when is it OK for someone so fat to need a scooter to not only get around but to take up a handicapped parking space? South Park did a hilarious episode on this and hit the nail on the head (as the tend to always do). The problem with our society is that we are afraid of speaking out on these things because we will be called bigots or hurtful people. Fuck that! Get off your fat ass and exercise you fat piece of shit. My mom has to use a scooter for her MS and nothing pisses her off more than seeing some fat tub of lard taking up a space that she rightfully needs. Call me shallow, call me an asshole, call me anything you want but I think we all can agree that if you have the ability to scoot yourself into a casino with your oxygen tank and spend money on slot machines, then you can probably spend money on a nutritionist to help with your weight problem. Angry panda!!!


Matt: While we are on the subject of things I just don’t get, let’s talk about popular bands that you just don’t get. The easy shot for me to take, at you mostly, would be to say Dave Matthews Band. I feel that has been discussed at length though, in many outlets. Because they suck. No, instead, I will risk infuriating every white-collar east coaster who likes to pretend to be a blue-collar Midwesterner and say that I just don’t get Bruce Springsteen. His music isn’t bad, but it isn’t anything revolutionary, either. Not a transcendent voice. Above average guitar player, but he isn’t Hendrix, Clapton, or anything like that. No, his shtick is that he plays songs for the every man, and that his concerts are 5 hours long. Now, playing shows that are that long is pretty awesome. People get to hear a lot of the deep cuts that they wouldn’t if the show was only 90 minutes.

The problem I have is why he is supposed to be the voice of every blue-collar, dirt under their fingernails worker out there? The dude has been very rich for a long time. Hasn’t known a day of true manual labor in decades. I’m not saying that means he doesn’t have the right to sing about that kind of stuff, but it all feels a little Rick Ross, doesn’t it? And how annoying is Born in the USA? God, that song gives me diarrhea. And hey, did you know Courtney Cox was the girl in the Dancing in the Dark video? And that Hines Ward smiles because he loves the game of football? Fuck. And look at his fans. How many of them are the type of people he sings about? They are east coast, well-educated people with jobs that are very far from blue-collar. I just don’t get it. How about you Mr. Donoher, what bands don’t you get?


Don: You son of a bitch. First the DMB hate, then you take my pick of Springsteen. Everything you said is perfect about The Boss. He isn’t a guitar God, his songs are a lot of times depressing as hell, and if you utter a bad word about him, people flip the fuck out. I’ve thought long and hard about bands that I could talk about from the past such as the Rolling Stones (overrated), Aerosmith (more overrated), or Nirvana (extremely overrated) but I’ll go with something more current. America…quit trying to force Taylor Swift down our fucking throats. I know our readers probably don’t like her, well except for maybe tman and king poops who I believe are creepy men that enjoy masturbating to that freak Tay Tay. She can’t play the guitar, she can’t sing, and she clearly is Tierra from the Bachelor only more famous.

For those of you who don’t watch the show, Blackburn will explain it for you. Since my wife is obsessed, she has informed me that Taylor Swift and Tierra are twins separated at birth because they are both crazy psychos. When you write song after song about guys fucking with you and you are “never getting back together” it doesn’t come off as fun and cute. It comes off as you being a crazy bitch. Let’s just say what the gossip magazines/websites won’t say. Clearly Taylor Swift is terrible in the bed and once her flavor of the month fucks her, they move on. Either that or she has a penis, which would not shock me at all.



Matt: The NFL Draft is creeping up on us like Blackburn at bar in Chinatown. Invariably, someone (the Browns), will take someone who turns out to be a complete bust. So which player can you remember coming into the draft that you were completely sure would be a star, who ended up falling on his face? For me, of course, that guy is Tim Couch. Back in 1998, I used to still watch a lot of Kentucky sports (my family originates from there, and my grandpa is a fan). Being a Browns fan too, it was perfect that a player I had watched and loved was destined to be the franchise QB for my returning favorite team. I had visions of a young Joe Montana dancing in my head.

Alas, it was not to be. The NFL screwed the Browns over in the expansion draft, and Timmy spent his entire Browns career running for his life, and not always succeeding. Of course, he did make a ton of money and bang Playboy models, so I’m not sure who the loser here is (other than, perpetually, the Browns and all their fans). I will say though, that to this day, if Timmy had anything resembling an offensive line, a single decent wide receiver to throw to, or any threat from their running game, things would have turned out differently. The talent was there. He just got gun-shy. Like having a girlfriend who gives you so many toothy blowjobs that you are scared to let any girl near your junk after that. Who was your Tim Couch, Don?


Don: Are you baiting me to say Akili Smith? Yeah, not going to do that. That was clear as day that he was going to be a huge bust. Instead, I’ll go with another Oregon player, Joey “Heisman” Harrington. I thought that guy was going to be the fucking bomb. Of course, anyone that is drafted to the Lions is doomed. Harrington, and Couch, showed flashes of brilliance but neither had a chance with the teams they were on. It’s always a classic “what if” with the NFL players. What if Tom Brady went to the Bengals instead of the Patriots? Something tells me he wouldn’t have the career he is having now.

Harrington had the height, the arm, what seems to be the brains, and could move around in the pocket. Looking back at his rookie year, he was sacked only 8 times. And he was only sacked 9 times his second year. I can’t fucking believe this and it leads me to believe that is a misprint on However, the guy couldn’t get stop throwing interceptions. As for non-quarterbacks, Harrington’s receiver Charles Rogers is another good one as I thought he would succeed with Harrington. Peter Warrick has to be up there too. Man, looking back at the Bengals, Browns, and Lions drafts is just fucking depressing. The Midwest everyone!


Cobie Smulders Wallpaper Hot-7

Matt: Hot or Not! This week: Colby Smulders. You may know her as Robin on How I Met Your Mother. The writers on the show constantly want to tell you she is hot. I don’t think so. It’s something about her mouth. It’s weird. And she doesn’t have any other physical trait that would make me overlook the fact that when she talks I feel like I am Blue Gill fishing. What say you, Donoher?

Don: Get your head out of your ass Matt! Colby is smoking hot. Yes, I will admit that she has not looked good in recent seasons because she just had a baby, but early season Robin? AMAZING. Plus she is legitimately funny, unlike that stupid Alyson Hannigan. I hate you for saying she is hot. I thought we had a good friendship.


Lastly, remember to jump on Twitter and follow Don and Matt at or @5ForFlying. We are going to be live tweeting The Oscars. Also, we are trying to help Don figure out “the twittering.” Seriously, it took him 5 minutes to figure out how to sign out of it. So yeah, maybe we will drop some stuff on you before then. Like, maybe during an upcoming UD game? Probably not.

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