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Recon: University of Massachusetts


Well, it has come to this. With just five games left in the season, we are a huddled mass in a theater, quickly looking for the nearest exit. Our real hope is for a fire to break out and that we all get trapped inside (or that a kid with orange hair busts in and delivers the final solution). The cold reality has set in — it’s every woman and man for his/her self.

The silver lining of this season = there are just a couple of questions left unanswered.

(1) Will Dayton fail to make the Atlantic Ten tournament?

Not that it matters, but quite possibly. The Flyers have five games remaining, three on the road. At this point, there are basically a handful of teams capable of either earning of losing a place in the league’s top twelve – St. Joe’s, Richmond, Saint Bonnie and Dayton. The Bonnies have very winnable games against the conference’s two worst teams, Duquesne and Fordham, and a game against Dayton. Richmond can also pencil in at least two more wins, as they have games remaining against the Dukes and Rams as well. St. Joe’s has a bit of a tougher road ahead, but has at least two gimmies against Fordham and Rhody.

Quite honestly, it’s a waste of time (even for this site) to trudge through the possibilities. I’m not even sure if the majority of Flyer fans would even want the season extended, even if it is just for an additional 40 minutes. So, let’s pass the buck to Ken Pomeroy, who has the league breaking down thusly:

FireShot Screen Capture #206 - '2013 Atlantic 10 Conference Basketball Standings' - kenpom_com_conf_php_c=A10

Pomeroy has UD going 3-2 the rest of the way, which would include a road win at Charlotte, yet still finishing 13th and out of the Barclay’s Challenge. Oh well.

In sum, this has all the makings of a Premier League relegation battle, without any of the excitement or intrigue.

(2) Did Patrick Ewing’s ginormous schlong fall out of the bottom of his shorts during a game?


Indeterminable. This is a rumor that I’ve heard for years yet could never substantiate. Legend has it that Ewing’s hog slipped out of his shorts during a dunk attempt against the Clippers early in his career. There doesn’t appear to be any video or text backing this claim up, however the Internet does appear to, at the very least, give some authority to the controversy.

Minimally, the assertion that Ewing had to tape his penis to his leg before games does seem to have some traction:

One of his greatest moments was when he went up for a dunk & his penis fell out of his shorts. Therefore the “urban legend” was started that Patrick Ewing, till this day, tapes his gigantic, mammoth penis to his leg, in order to protect it from falling out of his short shorts. That is another reason why b-ball players stopped wearing short shorts.

It all makes sense.

TRUE STORY: Patrick Ewing’s old trainer said his dick was so big that they had to tape it to his leg during games…

The thought of a trainer taping Ewing’s dick to his leg before every game while the Knicks’ big man read a low-rider magazine…

In result of the short shorts, when Ewing went up for a dunk one game, his colossal penis came out from under his shorts. This embarrassing, yet impressive, moment started a career long rumor that Mr. ‘Gigantic’ would tape his big black beef whistle to his leg before each game.

Black beef whistle. Sure.

After games Patrick Ewing would sit at his locker and soak his feet in a bucket of ice water and had to reposition his penis so that it wouldn’t be in the ice with his feet.

I think we get the picture.

Let’s all put on our logic hats. IF Patrick Ewing did in fact tape his donger to his leg because of its length (let’s discount girth, however important, for just a second), and the players during Ewing’s early days sported short-shorts (fact), then by presumption it is quite possible that Ewing’s dick became detached from his thigh during a dunk attempt and poked its mischievous head from out of the  bottom of his shorts.

I want, nay need, this story to be true.



Derek Kellogg is still toiling away in Amherst. Kellogg likely assumed he’d be at a top six conference job by now, cutting his teeth in the same fashion as his mentor, John Calipari. The Minutemen came into this season with some optimism as four starters returned to the fold from last year’s 25-win NIT semi-finalist.

UMass is a dichotomy – a team with no depth that likes to play up-tempo. The Minutemen come into their match-up with Dayton leading the league in possessions (72) and points per game (74). On the flip side, Massachusetts is repulsed by even the mention of defense. They allow over 72 points a game and give up 37 rebounds a contest. I am told these are not good numbers.


Meet and Greet

A 5’9” black guy named Chaz leads the Minutemen. After an extremely successful sophomore season, Chaz Williams was just one of four players in the nation to average at least sixteen points, six assists and four assists per game, Chaz has continued on his path of glory. Currently averaging 16 points, 7.4 assists and 4.6 rebounds per contest, Williams is one of the league’s most dynamic players.

Raphael Putney and Terrell Vinson start up front for UMass. Vinson is a big that can knock down threes, hitting a team-high 36% on the season, averaging just over twelve points per game. Putney was second on the team in scoring and rebounding last season, and also led the squad in blocked shots. His production has dwindled dramatically (7.6 pgg, 5.4 rpg), as Putney has caught a bit of Aaric Murray disease, wasting away on the perimeter while he should be down on the blocks.

Sampson Carter is back from a serious injury and is providing Kellogg with some pop off the bench. Averaging 6.2 points and 4.2 rebounds per game, Carter’s role has expanded as the season has progressed. Maxie Esho (6.0 ppg, 4.8 rpg) and Cady Lalanne (8.1 ppg, 6.8 rpg) are two big men that round out the UMass front court.

UMass took a big hit when second-leading scorer Jesse Morgan went down with an ACL tear in a loss at Saint Louis. Freddie Riley (8.0 ppg) has stepped up in his absence; bringing his patented Freddie Riley shot selection to the table.

Numbers Game

“When I read obituaries I always note the age of the deceased. Automatically I relate this figure to my own age. Four years to go, I think. Nine more years. Two years and I’m dead. The power of numbers is never more evident than when we use them to speculate on the time of our dying.”

FireShot Screen Capture #207 - 'Dayton Flyers vs Massachusetts Minutemen - February 23, 2013 - College Basketball - StatSheet_com' - statsheet_com_mcb_games_2013_02_23_2013-02-23_dayton_v


It’s a road game, play the odds.



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