Mike Rowe has made his small fortune on a show called “Dirty Jobs.” I’ve seen him skim cesspools, process road kill, and impregnate various farm animals. But there are some jobs that he has turned down… jobs that are so thankless that it shatters one’s flimsy grasp on humanity. The three projects he’s sworn to never do are: mop the floor of a peep show parlor, be the NJ State Trooper charged with wiping Gov. Christie’s fleshy ass folds, and write the Dayton-Charlotte recon.
Really… if a program shits itself in the woods, and no one is there to blog or comment about it, does it still stink? Of course it does. And, my Dayton friends, what we have here is a big shit stain of a season.
The question is whether or not anyone could have foreseen this. Actually, the better question is whether or not any able person could have seen this. Way back in November, Adam wrote a post called “The Downside of Hope.” Quite frankly, we can’t blame Adam for his optimism, and laud him for his sense of impending doom. This is how he opens:
“When I wrote my Red and Blue Recap, I was pretty encouraged by what I saw. Seeing them in two exhibitions, I feel the same way. This is a team unlike any Dayton team we have seen in a long time. They are led by a dynamic point guard and have true depth in the paint. The freshman class appears to be more college ready than any class going back to Brian Roberts and Trent Meacham (do we still hate him?). They have a coach who knows how to game plan and assistants who do more than call for line changes. There is a palpable sense of hope about this team.”
Dayton has seen its expectations drop from a borderline tournament team to being listed as one of the first four left out on CBI-ology.net.
I had originally volunteered to write this entry because I had a great line in my back pocket. One of the commenters made a similar remark within the past few weeks, but I’ll give it a spin anyway. Each successive time that I see him, Kevin Dillard looks less and less like a “dynamic point guard” and more and more like a kid on a “save the children” commercial. Can’t you just see him dipping his fingers into a bowl of rice gruel as flies swarm about his enormous head? Don’t you expect Sally Struthers to run out and hug him after another clanged three-point attempt?
The problem with the current Flyer squad is that they are missing more than one piece to the puzzle. Reminds me of a guy. He’s got an overpriced Dayton education, he’s very confident, and he has the same smile whether sporting a graduation gown, in low-light conditions, or attired in full beach douche wear. But he’s missing two things in his life: female companionship and sunflower seeds. What’s a guy to do? Obviously, he must move to his third online dating service (after exhausting all possibilities on Match and EHarmony) and run to the Bodega for some salty sunflower goodness. Obviously, this guy swallows and doesn’t spit his seeds, resulting in particularly graphic poop.
Meet and Greet
For two years, everyone laughed at Charlotte coach Alan Major. To some degree, this was warranted as his hairstyle makes him look like he’s always ready to attend a panel at ComicCon pushing for affirmative action among the Jedi. Plus, his program blew.
Year three has proven to be a different story. Major has seen a significant improvement (note: “Donoher would have gone with “Major has seen a major improvement… see what I did there”) in almost all aspects of his team this year. Most of the Lutz recruits are gone and Major is already sending some of his own recruits packing. Junior guard DeMario Mayfield has been dismissed from the team. (By the way, has anyone with two capital letters in their first name ever graduated college?) He was suspended indefinitely on January 30th and dismissed February 22nd. He was leading the team with 11.7 points and 3.6 assists. What have the Niners accomplished since then? Just victories over UMass at home and then against #10 St. Bradley’s of Butler on the road. They’ve also piled up losses against top-tier A-10 teams, resulting in a 6-6 league record. Of course, no one knows the bitterness of a .500 record like Dayton fans.
Charlotte continues to be led by 6’9” senior forward Chris Braswell. It’s a good thing that Dayton is strong in the interior, as Braswell will eat the living shit out of weaker opponents. He’s averaging 11.1 PPG and 5.6 rebounds per game. Since this game is being played in Charlotte, he may actually give a shit and will see those numbers rise. Braswell is joined in the frontcourt by 6’8” freshman forward Will Clayton, who adds 8.4 points and 6.8 rebounds per game.
While E. Victor Nickerson is not the leader in any offensive or defensive categories, he is the Niner player most likely to appear in a Charles Dickens novel:
E. Victor Nickerson: “Mornin’, governor! Care for a shine?”
Tyrannous C. Boggs: “Be gone, you besotted scalawag! Lest I call the Bobbies and box your ears.”
E. Victor Nickerson: “Cor blimey!” [translation: Motherfucka ‘bouts to go down!!]
The youth movement is going strong in Charlotte. Pierria Henry (So, 9.6 ppg) and Denzel Ingram (Fr, 6.4 ppg) anchor backcourt duties. Sophomore E. Victor Nickerson (5.7 ppg) swings both ways, and 6’6” Darrion Clark (Fr, 6.3 ppg) joins fellow freshman Will Clayton in the frontcourt.
Charlotte’s offense can appear a little schizophrenic, with good guard play, good interior play, but little interaction between the two. Think of the mythological Pan, where the top half and the bottom half don’t necessarily match up. Then think of Pan again, except this time think of the top half being Olivia Munn and the bottom half being a goat. Would you fuck it? How about if the top half were a goat and the bottom half were Olivia Munn. Would you fuck it then?
Ivan Bencovik is Charlotte’s answer to Matty D. He shoots three-pointers and nothing else. As a Croatian, that may earn him a ribbon and a Fast-Pass through the ethnic cleansing program. In Dayton, it would earn him praise from the whites over the age of 45 and scorn from people who like to win games of basketball.
“Mathematics are well and good but nature keeps dragging us around by the nose.”
I predict that I will wake up on Thursday and have no recollection of this game, much like Matty D. However, my retrograde amnesia will be due to indifference. (Wait! I finally have something in common with Josh Benson!) I expect this game to be as entertaining as Donoher’s live blog of the Oscars, with Charlotte hanging on for a 73-69 win.