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Five For Flying

Amateur Hour


Much like Mike McD in Rounders, this Flyers team has alligator blood. They just won’t die. With two wins against Charlotte and Richmond, the Flyers are continuing on their journey to Brooklyn for the A16 Tournament. While we won’t talk about the wins too much, as they have been addressed already, we will talk about the conference as a whole.


Don: Someone tweeted that the Flyers can actually finish as high as 6th place. SIXTH place? Is this real life? How freaking terrible is this league? It makes me even more sad that Dayton might be stuck in a league that will be even more terrible next year. So my question is, is this league any good and how many teams are going to make the NCAA Tournament?

The talking heads will make you think that this league is right up there with “the Big 6” and some might even say it belongs in the discussion. Last glance at Mr. Lunardi’s Bracketology, he has 5 teams in (Saint Louis, VCU, Butler, La Salle, and Temple). I would assume that VCU and Butler are locks and Saint Louis is close to a lock. I would be stunned if La Salle makes it but not shocked if Temple sneaks in. Gun to my head, I’ll say 4 teams make it. And Butler makes another run to the Final Four causing Blackburn to age another 5 years.


Matt: Just to be different, I am gonna say all 5 of those teams get in. I get that the A10 isn’t at its best this year, but that can be said of every conference that’s not the Big Ten. CBB sucks this year, as we’ve discussed. I think this is the year a team like La Salle can sneak in, mainly propped up by the fact that the other 4 teams made it. It’s a snowball effect. Would you wanna see the 5th best A10 team or the 10th best ACC team? Don’t answer that. I will say though, that this might be a year when a lot of teams that wouldn’t be making the tournament as at-large’s end up winning the conference tournaments, and steal bids away from La Salle and Temple. I always hate those teams. They fuck up everything.


Don: It’s March which means several things. March Madness, my birthday, spring is near, baseball is near, and of course St. Patrick’s Day. I’m not Irish so I don’t pretend to think St Patrick’s Day is some amazing holiday. I’ve never lived in a city where a lot of Irish live (like Boston), or a place where people think they are Irish (like Chicago), so I can’t say I’ve ever truly gone to a huge St. Patrick’s Day party. However, that does not mean that I don’t think it’s the most overrated “holiday” of the year. I like to say that New Year’s Eve is amateur hour and if I think that, then St. Patrick’s Day is “the first party you go to your freshman year of college and think it’s the greatest thing ever” hour.

I’m anti St. Patrick’s Day all the way. For starters, I hate Guinness. But that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Why would I ever want to go to a crowded bar and see annoying drunk people singing annoying music? I mean seriously, have you EVER met a hot Irish girl? And what’s the worst about the holiday? People who go all out, get royally drunk, and say that St. Patrick’s Day is important to them because they are Irish, when in reality it was only their great-grandfather who was from Ireland making them something like 1/8 Irish. I think that percentage is correct. Math is hard. Anyway Matt, what is your most overrated “holiday?”


Matt:  OK, let me start by addressing your hatred of St. Patrick’s Day. I am of Irish decent. I have traced my family name back to a rural county in Northern Ireland as far back as the 1600’s. I also have many “Irish” qualities. I love Guinness. I would drink it every day if it was acceptable. I love Irish whiskey. I like to drink both of them and sing along to the songs of my heritage. I do not, however, enjoy celebrating St. Patrick’s Day with people who just want to drink Bud Light with green food coloring, or even worse, Killian’s. These assholes just like to put on some green clothes and get steaming drunk and listen to the same shitty music they always listen to. I have never the chance to celebrate St. Patrick’s day in a city like Boston, Dublin, Pittsburgh, or Scranton that have a large Irish population and celebrates it right. Instead, I end up stuck in my shitty town dealing with drunk college kids and 80’s cover bands, or trying to cram into the mostly authentic Irish Pub we have here, which only holds like 80 people. Fuck non-Irish people ruining shit for those of us who at least can make a half-assed case for celebrating.

And the most overrated holiday is any holiday that requires you to do something, like buy stuff or spend time with people. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentines Day, Halloween, New Years. Give me St. Patrick’s, Memorial Day, Independence Day, and Labor Day. Those days only require me to drink, eat meat, and have fun.



Don: Sticking with the St Patrick’s theme, it’s Shamrock Shake time at McDonald’s. Yes, I know it’s just a vanilla milkshake with mint flavoring. Yes, I know there are better milkshakes out there. And yes, I know they aren’t that good. But Shamrock Shakes are a classic thing that are only good because they only exist once a year for a limited time. My question for you, what are the top 3 seasonal things that everyone thinks are amazing but in reality, they wouldn’t be that good if they were around year round?

a.) Girl Scout Cookies. It’s also that time of year right now. Thin Mints and Caramel deLites (Samoas if you are a Communist) are like crack. But if these were around all year, they would be just like any other cookie. If I was feeling fat or had a sweet tooth, I’d pick up a package of Thin Mints. 11 months out of the year, I don’t want Girl Scout cookies. But when I see those girls in those uniforms going door to door selling cookies, it makes me go from 6 to midnight. Because they are selling cookies you perv!

b.) Great Lakes Christmas Ale. I know you’ll disagree but I am a firm believer that if this was around all year, it wouldn’t be as popular. Take Yuengling for example. The reason Ohio people loved it so much was because we couldn’t get it for the longest time unless we went to Pennsylvania (or the other 15 states that sold it). Now that it is here in Ohio, I don’t get it unless it’s on sale. Nothing will replace Schlitz.

c.) Eggnog. Another Christmas tradition. Here is the thing, I HAAAAAAAATE eggnog. I think it’s disgusting and tastes like cum. I mean, I’ve heard. It always boggled my mind that this is not a yearly thing because EVERYONE seems to love this shit. I am sure there is some tradition about Eggnog and how it was like Jesus’ first drink and that is why we only drink it during Christmas but I don’t feel like researching it. It might also have to do with the fact that it’s a 10,000 calorie drink and probably not a good idea to drink it year round.

Matt: Shamrock shakes suck. Like, Linda Lovelace suck. They’re called Samoas. Deal with it. And Keebler makes a perfect replica that I happily eat year round. Great Lakes Christmas Ale might be the best specialty beer on the planet and I would also happily drink it year round (the Yuenling thing isn’t totally true, either. I hate regular domestic beer, but will still happily drink a Yuengling because it blows Bud, Miller, and Coors out of the water). Eggnog sucks. I can’t understand why anyone would drink it. It’s like drinking batter. Shitty batter. Anyway, my list goes:

a.)  Cadburry Cream Eggs. I used to love these when I was a kid. I tried one as an adult and nearly threw up in my mouth. It’s like giving a blowjob to a chocolate dick, except the jizz tastes worst. The cream is pure sugar and makes my teeth hurt. Why on earth would anyone want to consume 26 days worth of sugar for some tasteless crap. A whole box of Samoas has less sugar.

b.) Pumpkin spiced anything. I like pumpkin pie as much as the next guy. I can even stand pumpkin seeds, and maybe a pumpkin cookie. But holy shit, they put pumpkin in everything. Beer, coffee, bread, enemas. I want to be able to buy some kind of foodstuff or scented anything without it having a god damn gourd in it.

c.) Theme parks. I love roller coasters. I hate people. And there is nothing worse than being in a theme park with 50,000 white trash assholes, douchebag teenagers, tourists, and screaming kids. And it’s the summer, so it’s about 93 degrees and humid. Oh, you know what sounds like fun? Standing in line for three hours to take a 45 second ride. Everybody in the park fucking smells, too. But at least it’s cheap. Wait, no it’s not, it costs like 90 bucks to get into Cedar Point now. And a water will cost you a middle toe. It’s pretty close to what I think Hell is like.

d.) Haunted anything. What a waste of time and money. I don’t need some shithead 15-year-old goth kid jumping out from around a corner to try to scare me. All I have to do is think about that kid’s generation running the country someday. I’m not saying I’m such a man that I don’t get startled. It just doesn’t happen easily. And it’s not a fun feeling. Why would anyone want to pay someone for that feeling? Most of the places don’t even offer the chance to be scared. I went to the haunted prison in Mansfield (the place they filmed Shawshank) thinking it might actually be worth the time. Three hours of waiting in the cold later, we were being jumped at by teenagers in face-paint and promotional t-shirts. One guy chased us with an ELECTRIC HEDGE TRIMMER. It was plugged into an extension cord. That’s the kind of thing you are paying for when you go to these things. Might as well stay home and shave lines in your hair to look like Vanilla Ice.



Don: It’s almost Spring which means it’s almost Summer which means it’s almost concert season. I was buying some concert tickets the other day and was looking at the TicketASSter charges and felt like throwing my computer through a window. I won’t bore you, or make you laugh, by telling you what band I was buying tickets for, but let’s just say each ticket was $93. In your mind, what is a reasonable price to pay to see a band? I know it has to do with the band’s popularity, how much they tour, and the number of seats available. For instance, Fleetwood Mac is touring for the first time in a long time and tickets in Cbus are going for about $150 a piece right now. Worth it maybe, if you really like Fleetwood Mac. I got Postal Service tickets for $35 a piece and this is their first tour in 10 years. There has to be some happy medium, no? These bands are already uber-rich and I know I’ll sound like a stupid ass Democrat (sorry Matt) saying that these bands need to tone it down a bit with their concert prices. I guess I can’t put a direct number to what each band should charge but in my mind, anything over $100 is highway robbery. Thoughts?

Matt: The problem here is that most bands make their money from concerts. Bands, especially newer ones, don’t make much money from their record sales. They make some from merch, but primarily they rely on ticket sales. That being said, it’s bullshit when someone like The Stones charge 150 bucks a ticket. You don’t need the money, assholes. I have no problem paying over $50 for a great band. But keep it reasonable. If you’ve been around for 40 years, and we know you don’t need the money, don’t be a dick about it. Take the Louis C.K. route and give something back to your fans. It’s endearing. I would say though, assuming it’s a normal concert by a band who does regular sized tour every year or two, that I would like for the tickets to not get above $75 bucks. Total. Ticketmaster can fornicate themselves with their handling charges.



Don: This week’s hot or not is Emma Watson. This one I DID do some research to make sure she was 18 years old. This site is already on several FBI watch lists and we don’t want anymore heat on us. Anyway, I think this is a classic case of America wanting us to think/say she is hot but I just can’t see it. I never got into Harry Potter (dorks!!!) and a quick run of her IMDB shows that I have literally never seen an entire movie of hers. Sure she sometimes like to rock the Britney Spears/Paris Hilton look and not wear underwear, but that does not make me like you…that much. Guys who like Emma Watson are most likely guys that shave lines into their head. Final verdict: Not Hot.

Matt: I gotta go totally opposite you here, Donny. I think Emma Watson is as ugly as Danielle Radcliffe is straight. I can’t stand Harry Potter, but my girlfriend watches that shit on HBO almost every day. In the last couple movies she is smoking hot. I’ve seen some magazine covers and whatnot of her recently, too. The only way I can accept her not being hot is when they put her on screen with that disgusting ginger.


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