Hey, Gang! The 2019-2020 season is just getting started and while we are all familiar with the raucous confines of The Sweater Centre; many Flyer Fanatics will cheer on UD on the road. It is Maui time and the Flyer Faithful are heading to Hawaii by the dozens. There is a lot to do when you show up uninvited to the state’s second largest island but don’t just take Captain Cook’s word for it, do it yourself!
(The BBR called in the guest writer who simply goes by “Kiefaber” to handle the first road trip of the year)
Located only 1400 miles off the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, Maui exhibits great contrast to your typical urban Honolulu vacation. Once home to a booming sugar cane industry with a blue collar farming crowd, the island is increasingly yuppie and becoming a celebrity hideaway.
The Maui Jim Maui Classic will be the largest hoops event in Maui this weekend, hula notwithstanding. The event will take place in Lahaina on the western side of the island. I encourage you to “well actually” anyone who calls it a town or city as Hawaii doesn’t have formal government below the county level. No, for real, not even Honolulu is incorporated as a city. Pompously interrupt your travel companions with this factoid whenever they slip up and say town or city.
After you’ve completed your obligatory Costco trip by the airport (the only mainland prices on the island) check out the food trucks across the street for some good local fair. For a place with not a lot of roads you’ll find quite a few food trucks on Maui which are, as you can imagine, quite stationary. This is where you’ll find “Like Poke” of Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives fame if you’re into that sort of thing.
As you make your way towards Lahaina, Beach Bums BBQ and Grill by the aquarium is another good food option. Affordable and scrumptious, it is home to the only all-wood smoker on Maui. Don’t bother with the aquarium; it sits only a few yards from the world’s largest aquarium, the Pacific ocean. The Lord’s aquarium.
Lahaina, where the Maui Jim Maui Invitational is to be held, is home to a really big tree and some touristy bars and shops. There is no Golden Corral on the island so when exploring other options strongly consider checking out a luau. Feast At Lele and Old Lahaina are both excellent options in Lahaina. It is widely regarded that a luau is the most magical and romantic way to discover that poi, a local delicacy, is terrible. Have your camera ready during the luau as the dancers are not heavily dressed and you might be able to snap an exhilarating photo with a sliver of butt cheek. You can keep that photo forever, you know. That’s your souvenir butt cheek photo now.
If you find yourself wanting to take a day on the western side of the island, Mama’s Fish House provides the finest dining on the island. The Road to Hana is a classic excursion and downloading an app for the audio tour (such as “Road to Hana GyPSy Drive Tour”) really makes the drive very enjoyable. Do yourself a favor and stop by Kaulahao Beach. It is a local favorite, the best kept secret on Maui, and seeing sea turtles is a sure thing. It is highly illegal to kill them and eat them, but I ain’t no snitch if you do.
If you find yourself in Kihei, check out the Kihei Cafe for some loco moco. Loco moco is considered a local soul food on the island and an absolute must-try while you’re there because you won’t find it outside of Hawaii (where it would be summarily dismissed as “really not that good.”)
Most importantly, enjoy your week of coconut bras and grass skirts. See some rainbows. Surf the waves. Ride a dolphin. Fuck a pineapple. Enjoy some sunsets. Say aloha unironically. Buy some souvenir Spam to take home. Give locals the shaka. No, the shaka, not the shocker. Ok fine give them that one, too.
Lahaina Civic Center
Seats: approximately two dozen
Public restrooms: two
Amenities: Four water fountains and a small breezeway.
Best Bar: Maui Brewing
Best Restaurant: Mama’s Fish House
Best Tourist Attraction: Sunrise at Mount Haleakala
Best Hidden Gem: Kaulahao Beach
Hottest Local: Lennay Kekua
Local Delicacy: Loco Moco
Wear Red, be #LOWD